


Facing Reality

by AwkwaBen, reggydayo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Sadstuck, Stridercest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-24
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-10-30 01:56:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/326487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwaBen/pseuds/AwkwaBen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/reggydayo/pseuds/reggydayo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk can't help his attraction towards his older brother Dave, even if Dave calls another man's name that (as far as Dirk knows) neither of them know. (Continuation of Pretend It's A Memory. Set in a universe where the alpha kids don't play Sburb, and Dave and Rose live to raise their wards.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Taking Advice

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collaborative effort between my moirail and I. We're going to just run with this and see where it takes us. Anyway here have this first chapter of our continuation.. thing...

It was sick. It was disgusting. It was sick and it was disgusting and Dirk Strider was perfectly aware of it. Aware of himself.

A part of Dirk reminded him that he simply couldn’t help it. Tried to offer that it was simply the way he was made. That Striders were beautiful as a rule, and Dirk simply got unlucky. Another reminded him that, despite this, it was wrong. That it was quite possibly the worst thing he could ever do.

Dirk had laid himself out before his older brother, both physically and figuratively. But of course, Dave wouldn’t get that. Not while he was drinking and spacing out in front of the television. Not when he looked so lost in thought Dirk was surprised he even noticed him standing there at all. He might not have even gotten it if Dirk told him out right that it was a thing he was doing. Might have chalked it up to some weird irony Dirk was trying out or something like that. And it made him angry. It upset him to think his older brother, a man he looked up to and respected, simply wouldn’t pay attention to things like the feelings of someone he lived with. Or housed as some sort of pet.

Pet. Well, didn’t _that_ sound like sexual perversion. But then, Dirk figured there was no getting around that.

He’d left his brother’s room with an unfamiliar name ringing in his ears, and his shades in his hand. Still wet, and naked, and shaking. More than ever before in his life, he felt exposed. Sleep wouldn’t visit him for a long, long time.

Instead, he lay in his bed and trained his ears for the slightest sound that might come from his brother’s room. Being the Strider household, there weren’t very many.

All he really heard was the gentle ticking of the clock in the living room, the occasional padding of feet, and a few mutters from his brother. Mutters that weren’t saying anything. Didn’t mean anything. At least not to Dirk. Mutters that were eventually lost in the darkness of the nighttime and to sleep as it finally took him over, albeit reluctantly.

Waking to daylight confused the hell out of Dirk. When had he even fallen asleep? He couldn’t remember. He thought maybe around the time the clock rang midnight. Or maybe after the quiet purr of Dave’s snoring. He honestly couldn’t remember. But what he did know was that upon opening his eyes, the sun was shining far too brightly for whatever the fuck time it was.

He reached for his phone. The lock screen burned the numbers 8: 32 am into his uncovered eyes. Damn. That early? Fuck that, he decided, throwing an arm over his face for protection. Where did his shades get to…? Dirk reached one hand out to feel around his bed for his shades, but only really succeeded in pushing away a particularly choice plush rump and one of his pillows. The pillow hung precariously off of the mattress, and the Manthro Chap (or whatever it was) tumbled away across the floor.

“Fuck…” He muttered the curse under his breath and removed his arm from his face to get a proper look around his room. Still about as messy as he left it, only he finally located his shades sitting innocently as ever next to Lil’ Cal.

Oh. Hey there, buddy. That was sure nice of him.

Sitting up, Dirk noticed he was still very much naked. Naked and vulnerable and maybe even a little shy should he, for whatever reason, run into his older brother that early in the morning. He ambled over to his closet and grabbed a shirt, pants, and some underwear at random, and stumbling at the still-present ache in his backside. Quick change of plans- he was going to shower first. Shower and sort out the mess that had become his head.

But before he could do that, he still had to actually get into the bathroom without being seen or heard by Dave.

Without bothering to try and cover himself, he opened his bedroom door and peered out into the hallway. His brother’s door was still closed. This, Dirk decided, was a good sign. He left his room quietly, slipping down the hall and into the bathroom. Yes. Good. He had made it into the bathroom without running into his apparently still comatose brother.

Dirk felt safer in the bathroom. Felt like he didn’t quite have to hide there. Not from Dave, not from himself. Not from anyone. Here, he was free to be naked. His thumb slipped over the lock, a motion made natural out of habit, and reached into the shower stall to start the water running.

Before actually getting into the shower, however, he decided to make sure everything was organized to a point where he could be satisfied. He hung up his shirt and his pants, set his shades in the sink and more or less dropped his underwear on the lid of the toilet. Being already unclothed, he only had to stick a hand in to test the temperature before stepping under the spray of hot water.

Finally, he felt his muscles begin to relax and uncoil. He leaned his head back, and water spilled through his hair, and down his face and neck. If only his mind would calm under the downpour.

He thought about what he had done the night before. Thought about what his brother had done in consequence. He thought about the way the man he trusted with himself cried out another name in something that sounded very close to bliss. As close to bliss as he’d ever heard from his too-stoic older brother. It twisted him up a lot more than he’d have thought it would. Then again, he had never expected it. Years and years, and he’d never known his brother to be involved with anyone, apart from meaningless one night stands. Striders didn’t get attached so easily. So then, who could have wormed his way into Dave’s heart without so much as garnering Dirk’s suspicion?

He couldn’t even fathom who he could be. Dave had certainly never even _mentioned_ someone by that name. Not to him. Not around him, either. Not that it was saying much, though, since the guy wasn’t exactly around a whole lot. Not lately. Maybe whatever was going on was becoming a full-blown fling. Was this guy that good?

But then, why bother having sex with a fifteen year old? With your fifteen year old brother, at that? It simply didn’t make sense to him. He frowned to himself and decided the water just wasn’t hot enough for this type of thinking. Turning the heat up, he turned away from the spray and let the water fall down his back as his mind continued to churn through his situation. Stalling and starting on the same hang-ups.

Why did he have to be gay for his own damn brother? It was the very epitome of stupid and ironic and he pretty much hated it. Hated it despite the level of irony. Hated it because he was a Strider. Because Dave was a Strider. Because he loved his older brother and couldn’t stop.

He’d even tried to. He knew a perfectly (at least physically) fine young lad of his own age. Logically, and accounting for the Westermarck effect, he should be all up in English’s grill, far-off on Hellmonkey Island though he may be. And yet the facts remained. Dirk was attracted to his brother and it hadn’t stopped from happening. He couldn’t stop it from happening.

An hour had passed in the shower stall and he still wasn’t getting anywhere with the whole thing. It was all just one giant circle of thinking. Thinking about Dave. Thinking about how much easier it would be if he were attracted to Jake instead. How much better it would be. Dirk was honestly tired of the circling. He needed to get the whole thing off of his chest. And who worse for the topic than Roxy? Surely no one.

Dressed finally, Dirk opened up a chat with a thankfully-online tipsyGnostalgic before he could change his mind. Sometimes he took her advice, to not take his own, and not cerebralize everything. He charged ahead into the conversation. Tact was pretty much fucked with this sort of a topic, anyway.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

TT: Hey, Roxy. Are you there?

TT: Because I kind of seriously need to talk to you right now.

TG: heyyyy

TG: wait lik how seriues

TG: *serious

TG: we talkin like metoers fallign from the sky or whatever

TT: Not at all. Meteors are serious shit. Impending apocalyptic doom and all that.

TT: The end of all civilization as we know it is the highest echelon of serious any topic could hope to attain. 

TT: I only fucked my brother. That really pales in comparison.

TG: woah waoh woha wait

TG: was it good

TT: That would be the first question you ask.

TG: hey calm your tits just tryin to lighten the mood

TG: but in all super seriuousnesses

TG: im gonna need some backround info dirk

TT: Where to begin. It began when I was a but a wee lad, frolicking about the twisted, thorny entanglements of attempting to seduce my older brother, when all of a sudden I’m bending over my brother’s bed with his meaty spam porpoise betwixt my rosy cleft.

TG: until

TT: Until, whether it was a curse of the blasted ironies or not, he said a name that was definitely not my own in the throes of ecstasy.

TG: wait slwo down ive gotta get all thsi im takin notes hurr

TG: *errors all the fcuk over the pleca

TG: *place

TT: Glad to know my personal life may soon be written in one of your hilariously terribad “wizard fics”.

TG: shut it strider that shit is gold

TG: but back to the real biznizzz

TG: any ideas why he would even do that

TG: liek how high woudl he evevn have 2 be???

TT: Fuck if I know. Why do you think I’d message the most self-destructive friend I have if I had any grasp on this situation?

TG: i hear ya

TG: so you cam for my words of WISDUM

TG: *wizardddum

TG: (el em a fuckin o over here)

TT: You caught me.

TT: Come on though, this is serious.

TG: im kidding mmkay cool yo jets

TG: look

TG: youve been tellin me about your sex fantasises for your bro for like fuckin EVER, obviously youve got a thing for him

TG: my babies in looooooooove

TG: but yeah

TG: how about

TG: and you may need to try really fuckin hard and humor me here

TG: how about you try TALKING to him about this

TG: if its so gosh durn serious

TT: I don’t think you quite understand the protocols of Striders here.

TT: One does not simply _talk_ to him.

TG: well heres a idea

TG: get him wasted

TG: your welcome ;)

TT: Although, in any other situation that would be a fantastic fucking plan, he was pretty damn intoxicated when we bumped nasties.

TG: dirk dirk dick dirckles

TG: do it and shitll get reals

TG: promise

TT: How can you promise me that?

TT: How can you promise it won’t go down exactly the same way?

TG: just trust me here stridz

TG: slip into something not sexy and it wwont evven matter

TG: *lolz those look like waves

TT: It was like I wasn’t even there, Roxy.

TG: then make sure he sees you thsi time ;)

TG: and give me all the jucy details

TT: All right. Well, I'll try to talk to him, at any rate.

TT: In the meantime, I have to go take care of some stuff.

TT: I’ll tell you how it goes.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]


	2. Shutting It Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk tries to talk to Dave about what had happened and gets shut down completely. I'm good at summaries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter.

A guy had to be seriously crazy to take advice from a girl that was sauced all day every day, even if that advice actually seemed pretty sound. Crazy and off his own rocker, surely. But actually talking couldn’t be _that_ terrible of an idea, could it? It wasn’t like Dave was completely unapproachable or anything. He was still, after all, his big brother. More or less, anyway. And hey, maybe he’d get lucky, and Dave wouldn’t be in front of the TV or drinking whiskey again. Maybe he wouldn’t be sitting around in his head thinking of who knows what while listening to the grating laugh of Spongebob Squarepants.

He’d heard Dave come out of his room an hour ago and still Dirk sat in his computer chair doing basically nothing. Clicking a ballpoint pen and chewing the inside of his cheek. He tried to gauge where in the apartment Dave was, guessing the kitchenette. Sounded like it, what with the clattering of bowls they really had no business owning in the first place and the opening and closing of their refrigerator. Now is as good a time as any get them tangled up in this waltz, prancing around the issue like he knew they would. Damn it, they were _Striders_. As head-on as they were about a lot of things, like fights and rap battles, man-to-man talk wasn’t one of them.

Dirk picked his way across the room, sidestepping puppets and robot parts and general clutter to reach his bedroom door. He hesitated there, just breathing and listening. Surely Dave was still in the kitchen, just doing whatever it was the guy did while he was actually home. Surely he would be open to some kind of conversation. Before he could stop himself, Dirk opened his door and moved through the hallway towards the kitchenette.

Sure enough, Dave was sitting at the small, round table there with a bowl of Lucky Charms, facing the colourful box and cartoon leprechaun. Turned oblique to Dirk. Crossing to the cabinet to get a bowl of his own, he broke the silence.

“Hey.”

The pause the ensued was pregnant and palpable and Dirk could feel those eyes on him. “Hey, little man.” Dave took a bite of his cereal, apparently trying to close off any further conversation and returning those shaded eyes to the cereal box. Dirk decided to take initiative and sat down across from him, continuing with measured breath.

“So about last night.”

Dave’s face tightened. “Let’s not talk about this. It’s only what, nine in the morning?”

“Ten twenty-five. And let’s.”

Those shades pointed towards Dirk again, and this time it was obvious even with those sunglasses, Dave wasn’t happy to be challenged. “There’s nothing to talk about.” He said it sternly. In a ‘that’s that, now drop it’ sort of manner.

“Sure, there is. Hell, it was my first time.”

Dave shook his head this time and looked away again, raising his spoon to feed himself more of the sugary marshmallows and rice pieces. The man definitely wasn’t going to talk. Not like that. He was shutting himself off and it only made Dirk more and more frustrated. Dirk gripped his still-empty bowl with whitening knuckles. “You don’t have anything to say to that?”

“Nope.” Dave got up from the table at that point, still not looking at him and still refusing to talk. God damnit.

“Well, who’s John?”

It took Dirk half a minute to register the following sound as Dave’s bowl hitting the linoleum floor. His ears hurt in the sudden silence, and he sat motionless, watching Dave stand still and not quite gape at the mess on the floor. Dirk didn’t say a word. His Auto Responder, however, had begun talking to Jake. It was a conversation Dirk had absolutely no intention to follow. Not at the moment.

Finally, after what could very well have been a small eternity, Dave was in motion again, beginning to clean up the cereal mess in their kitchen. “I don’t know.” He fought to keep his voice normal, Dirk could tell. Whatever it was that had just happened between them, it had been a blow.

“Bullshit. Otherwise this wouldn’t be such a federal issue.”

“No one said it was a federal fucking issue!” Dave’s voice was louder than Dirk thought was called for. Frustration swelled to ire.

“Really? Then why are you yelling?”

“I’m not—” Dave re-evaluated his tone, and started again, softer, “I’m not yelling. Just. Drop it.”

“No. I’m not dropping it. We need to talk about this.” Dirk wasn’t having it. He wasn’t dropping it and he wasn’t about to believe that Dave didn’t think it was a federal issue or that he really wasn’t yelling. Damn it, would his damned auto responder just shut up?

“No, Dirk. We don’t need to talk about anything. There’s nothing to talk about, so just fucking drop it already.”

It honestly hurt the way Dave was shutting him down at every turn. The way he yelled and told him to just drop it. That it really wasn’t an issue to discuss even though that to Dirk, it obviously was. It hurt and it made him angry. Angry both at himself and at Dave. And there goes the auto responder again. Jake was just chatting away. It was happening right in front of his eyes, and it was highly inappropriate for the situation, and it was pissing Dirk off. He tore the shades from his face and rose to his feet, hands heavy on the tabletop. Orange eyes were reflected back at him in the mirror-finish of Dave’s sunglasses, fiercer than he’d expected to see on his own face.

“You always were a one night stand kind of guy. Why did I delude myself and hope to think otherwise?”

Striding past the cracked bowl and spilled milk, Dirk headed towards his bedroom again with every intention to not see his brother again at least for the rest of the day. If not for the rest of the week. Dave said nothing as he passed, and honestly Dirk hadn’t expected him to. It was almost better that way. But only almost.

Back in his room, with the door shut behind him, he placed his shades back on his face and skimmed the conversation the Auto Responder was still having with Jake. Seemed English had arranged away to get to the mainland, and intended to arrive within the week. Fine, Dirk figured he could use the distraction and the company of his best bro.

It sure beat wallowing around in hiding from his brother. He let his Auto Responder handle the rest of the conversation as he pleased, setting his shades down again on his table before he set himself to work on something that wasn’t getting twisted up about Dave. Robotics, he figured, would do a terrific job of holding his sanity together at least for the time being.


	3. Unsaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave is an asshole and Jake is fucking adorable. Dirk has some things to think about. I'm really, really good at chapter summaries.

The avoiding, Dirk had learned, was mutual. Dirk made sure that he didn’t see Dave, and it seemed that Dave made sure of the same thing. There were no strifes, and no announcements of what dinner was going to be, or how long Dave was going to be gone for when he left. Communication had come to a full and complete stop, and Dirk couldn’t help but feel cold about the whole thing.

Dirk had told himself it was fine. And really he figured it was. It was fine mostly because that Wednesday, at 2:47pm, he had gotten his best friend in the whole world safely to his apartment and into his room without running into his older brother. This had been achieved via the public bus systems, and had also served as an excellent first adventure in the urban jungle with Jake English.

The boy was absolutely thrilled. He was fascinated by everything and everyone he saw, and it very quickly became apparent to Dirk that Jake really hadn’t seen another person up close before, aside from his by-then dead grandmother. All wide eyes and toothy grins and “egads,” the guy would gape at the things around him and talk loudly when it really wasn’t necessary. Sometimes he would stare at Dirk, too. And that was okay.

A part of Dirk rather liked the staring. He liked the way Jake would watch him and not even try to hide it. He liked the way this only increased when they were alone together.

“So,” he said with the click of his bedroom door behind him, “this is my room.”

“Wow, it’s much more Striderish than I could have possibly imagined!” Jake spun around, eyes drinking in the clutter. “This is definitely your room, my good man.”

Dirk raised an eyebrow at this, and he probably would have smirked if he didn’t think to keep his cool guy demeanor. “Well I do sleep in here.”

Jake shook his head, smiling. “You know what I mean.” He’d moved on to rifle through Dirk’s things, making his way around the room, eyeing his posters, and hats, and the smuppets and robot appendages littered throughout the space. Finally, his eyes seemed to land on Lil’ Cal just sitting at his table as innocently as ever, and he stopped.

“Oh… what on Earth is that, Strider?” He made a vague gesture towards the puppet and Dirk followed his gaze. “It’s giving me the heebie jeebies!! It even looks like it’s…” he hesitated again, apparently trying to think of just what Lil’ Cal was doing. “Staring at me.”

 

“What? No, Lil’ Cal is cool.” He almost shared that Cal had been good to him, and had been one of his best friends since he was in diapers. But he was sure that Jake wouldn’t respond very well to that at all. There was a silence as Jake tried to connect the term “cool” with the puppet smile before him.

“You are a strange one,” he said, at last.

“Says Jungle Jake.” That earned Dirk a playful punch on the arm. A playful punch that Dirk was more than happy to return, hitting Jake in much the same way. They traded half-serious blows, catching fists and shoving, and soon laughter was bubbling up from Jake, catching in his throat and oh God, the kid was snorting. That was probably the most precious thing Dirk had ever heard in his life.

Then arms were around his neck in what might have started as a headlock, and Jake was hanging off him. “This is frightfully exciting! Me and you, being together, at last! Really together! Oh, this is great!” Dirk’s arms were raised awkwardly, their maneuver halted when Jake decided to get all up in his personal space. He’d never thought Jake to be the cuddly type. Not really. But he didn’t exactly want to tell him no, either.

Dirk pat his friend’s shoulder three times before disengaging himself from the hug Jake had initiated. Jake, poor guy, looked a little lost when the contact broke. He offered his friend a small kind of smile, rather wishing he wouldn’t look like that. “Yeah,” he started, sitting in his computer chair and turning in it to face his friend, “it’s really good to see you, English. The cycle of our friendship is now that much closer to completion.” He gestured for his friend to take a seat on the bed.

Smile still caught between faltering and stretching his face in stalwart optimism, Jake settled himself on the edge of Dirk’s bed. He bit at his lip and kicked his legs idly, casting his eyes around the room again. “So! Does this complete the grand tour?”

“It actually does. There’s really nothing else to see.” He gave a quick look around his own room before he settled his attention back on Jake. “There’s a bathroom down the hall, but that is all you and I would be able to occupy when my brother is home.” Jake brightened again.

“Speaking of, when do I get to meet this strapping guardian of yours?”

Dirk swivelled around in his chair again, and muttered, “You won’t, if you’re lucky.”

“What was that, again?”

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” At the mention of his older brother, Dirk had sunk out of his good mood and right back into feeling angry and bitter. And so they sat there for a while, Dirk staring somewhere past Jake’s head, until he noticed Jake was staring at _him_. Him. Not at Cal or anything else in his room. Jake was staring at Dirk and he wasn’t even blinking. “What?”

“You’re quite the good looking fellow,” said Jake, rather innocently. Dirk translated this from old-timey to mean roughly, “Wow, you are really hot.” It was his turn to stare.

“Are you basically shitting me right now, English?” From anyone else, it would have sounded like a cruel, cruel joke. The kind of practical joke that would run in Crocker’s family, and that no one else actually appreciated. Like circling the word OR in a note asking to go steady together passed in the middle of a class. But from Jake, it just seemed innocent enough to come off as nothing else but absolutely true. To his credit, Jake looked confused at Dirk’s suspicion.

“No, I assure you, Strider I am not ‘basically shitting you’.”

They had a short-lived blinking contest before Dirk let his misgivings go, chalking Jake’s comment up to never having to actually deal with other people before. Not in person. He couldn’t know how flirtatious that sounded. That’s what Dirk told himself.

“Well thank you.” Dirk inwardly shrugged the whole thing off as he watched that silly grin on Jake’s face grow, obviously pleased to hear that.

“Any time, old chap! Really.”

The rest of the afternoon went on much of the same way. They talked and joked around with each other, while occasionally getting into little playful scraps that Dirk was fully aware Jake was dubbing as fisticuffs in his head. They would talk, and at one point in the day, Dirk was even so gracious as to try to teach his best bro how to spit some seriously sick rhymes. Jake, admittedly, was pretty terrible at it, but Dirk had honestly expected that.

It was at 6:14pm that Dave got home. Dirk could smell it by the pizza his brother had apparently brought back with him. The smell had confused Jake, however, and the boy furrowed his eyebrows. “What on Earth is that smell?”

“That’s the smell of my brother coming home with pizza.” Dirk said it almost begrudgingly, having rather wished that Dave would have stayed away that night, with another one night stand or something. That Dave wouldn’t have bothered them that night.

Jake fixed a wide-eyed look at him. “Pizza?”

“Ye-”

“Honest-to-God _pizza_?”

“Yes,” Dirk finished. A grin split Jake’s face as the boy stood at the sound of the front door being closed. And now that he could smell the dinner Dave had bought, Dirk realized that he was actually pretty hungry from his day of fun with Jake. Dirk stood up along with him and, doing his best not to scowl at the thought of seeing his brother again, he led Jake out of his room and towards their sorry excuse for a kitchen.

And of course, Dave was standing over the pizza box. Why wouldn’t he be? Nothing was ever easy with Dave. “Hey, bro,” Dirk said, hand lightly touching Jake’s back. “Jake is here.” His guest moved away from this gesture to greet Dave, standing tall even as he was dwarfed by the older man’s stature, hand pointed squarely at his chest in offer of a handshake.

“Hullo! You must be the elder Strider I’ve heard so much about, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, I am Jake English!” It was one, hearty sentence, bursting past his lips with an enthusiasm and a volume that not many people tended to use indoors.

Dave seemed to just stare at Jake and at the hand offered to him in greeting. Dave stared and Jake faltered a little. “Yeah,” Dave said, seeming to snap away from whatever place he had apparently retreated to in his mind. However, he still didn’t shake Jake’s hand. “You too, kid.” With that said and a slice of pizza taken, Dave walked away, off to his own room, leaving both Dirk and Jake alone together again.

“Did I do something?” Jake turned to Dirk with a look of confusion and a little hurt on his face. It made Dirk angry to see that there. Angry that his brother was enough of an asshole to his friend to make him look like that. It even made him frown, but only just a little.

Dirk shook his head. “No. Sorry about that, man. My brother is just an asshole.” He watched Jake’s gaze fall to the floor, moving downwards as he processed this.

“Fair enough, I suppose. Rough day, and all that?”

Dirk shrugged at this and placed what he hoped was a reassuring hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I don’t know. Maybe.” He plucked a slice of pizza from the still-open box. “Don’t let him get to you. We have an inaugural dinner to get underway. Celebrating this monumental broccassion.”

The brilliant grin returned to Jake’s face at that, and he looked at Dirk again. “Yeah. You’re right.” He also took a slice of pizza from the box and regarded it like he was quite literally starving before he took a big bite of it. The expression that followed was nigh on orgasmic. “Oh, my god.” Chewing through a smile, he actually managed to finish the slice in a few large bites, reducing it to grease on his fingers that he eventually just wiped on his shorts.

“Whoah, slow down there. No one’s gonna take it from you, dude.” Dirk started in on his own slice with a lot less enthusiasm. A guy could only eat so much pizza and remain so enthusiastic. Jake, evidently, did not subscribe to this line of thought.

 

“Wow, pizza is so good! I’ve always wondered what it actually tastes like, and it’s so much better than I could have imagined! Greasy, yes, but delicious all the same! Completely unlike anything I’ve ever eaten before.”

The reaction was exactly what Dirk had hoped for. Seeing Jake experiencing new things like pizza was definitely one of the pre-planned reasons as to why he had invited the boy to Texas in the first place. It made him smile. Really, it did, but not nearly enough to actually be noticeable to anyone who was too busy enjoying a Domino’s pizza.

Jake was one such person. They ate like teenage boys are wont to do: voraciously, although Jake definitely showed more vigor than his friend. Gathering up two slices to ensure that he got some, Dirk let himself slow down to a pace he was actually comfortable with so he could watch Jake at the same time. The kid was having the time of his life. And honestly, so was Dirk. Seeing him like that was just great.

It was a little while later while Jake started asking, with his mouth full, about what other foods he could try while he was in Texas that Dave wandered back in. Dirk hadn’t even heard him come in until the faintly surprised, “what the hell?” came from behind him. Dirk turned to see Dave with his eyebrows raised above his shades, said glasses pointed towards the pizza box that really only had a few slices left in it. “Jesus, I leave for ten minutes and you guys have, what, transportalized the thing somewhere else?”

Dirk gave a kind of non-committal shrug as he swallowed the food he already had in his mouth. “It certainly wasn’t a wise decision of you to only take one slice with you, bro. Here we are, two teenage boys lost in the throes of hunger, and left in front of an entire box of delicious smelling artery plugs. What did you honestly expect?”

“I didn’t expect you to fucking decimate it.”

“Sorry, good fellow! I suppose I was a tad overzealous. But I’ve never had pizza before, and gosh darn it, if it wasn’t the best friggin’ thing!” There was that grin again, all toothy and bright, directed right at Dave.

There was another pause there as Dave, for the second time that night, stared at Dirk’s best friend. It was the kind of staring that Dirk was glad he couldn’t see his eyes for. He didn’t want to see whatever emotion might be hiding there. Didn’t want to see what he was thinking as he looked at Jake. Finally, Dave’s body stiffened and he looked at Dirk, instead.

“Whatever. Dirk, I got something for you and your little friend.” The very source of condoms that Dave had tapped into on That Night (he had capitalized the event in his head as the night that things seemed to have changed for him) had been shoved into Dirk’s hands, poking into his palms.

The box of condoms, Dirk realized in that moment, said a number of things. It all made Dirk repress the scowl that would have undoubtedly come across his face otherwise. “Bro, what the hell is this?”

“Condoms,” he replied, voice clipped. “Have fun.” And he was gone again with the rest of the box of pizza. Jake looked between the box in Dirk’s hands and the hallway Dave had retreated down.

“Condoms?” Jake plucked the box of the latex from Dirk’s hands and turned it over in his own, looking at the box rather intently.

It was then Dirk’s turn to raise an eyebrow, attention on Jake rather than any possible meaning behind Dave’s actions. “You do know what those are, don’t you?”

Jake looked up at Dirk like he had asked if he knew what a refrigerator was. “Of course I know what they are!” Despite himself, Jake’s cheeks turned this adorable shade of pink. “I do have Google, you know!”

Dirk had a soft, barely audible chuckle at that and took the box back so he wouldn’t have to see it in Jake’s hands anymore. “Sure you do, English.”

“But why would your brother—”

“Don’t worry about it. I told you, he’s just an asshole. Don’t pay any attention to him.” Dirk didn’t even want to hear the question of why Dave would do that, let alone answer him. He didn’t want to be given the opportunity to tell Jake what he had done with his brother. Didn’t want to tell him what the offering had symbolized between the both of them. How much it hurt Dirk to receive something like that.

“Well, okay. But this is such strange behavior coming from a man you admire so much.”

 

Admire. Jake had used the word ‘admire’. Dirk looked to his friend and thought about that for a moment. Thought about the box in his hands. “No,” he said finally. Slowly. “No it’s really not. That is just how Dave is.” And a part of him really did admire him for what he had done. A tiny part of Dirk that still loved his older brother in the most platonic of ways laughed at the joke set on the condoms. Grinned at just how passive aggressive the whole thing was. How elegant it was, but crude all at the same time.

 

*****

 

It was 1:53am and Dirk was having a hard time sleeping. Jake was lying beside him, out like a light and snoring ever so faintly after insisting and insisting that it would be much easier to just share the bed. Jake was asleep while Dirk lay awake, staring at the wall and just _thinking_. As they had for the past week, his thoughts mostly surrounded his older brother. He thought of successfully avoiding the man until he had been unlucky enough to have stumbled upon him during feeding time, and he thought of what Dave had been saying by giving him the condoms.

The condoms, that’s sole purpose was to mock him. Dave had said, in his offering to him, that he didn’t want Dirk. Had called him a slut and had joked that yes, Dirk would obviously have every intention of tapping his attractive island friend. There almost seemed to be a finality behind the gesture. That Dave had told him that there was to be no discussion about it, and it was all final. Dave didn’t want Dirk and that was that. Period.

 

And receiving them in front of Jake had been doubly awkward. Maybe just for him, though. Jake seemed to have brushed the whole thing off rather quickly, having no trouble at all vying for a spot in Dirk’s bed and sprawling out across it in sleep, like it was the most normal thing in the world. 

_Maybe I was reading too much into him_ , Dirk thought. _This doesn’t seem like a kid who’s harboring some wicked attraction for me. Nor is it a kid who would think to himself that sex really would be a wonderful idea upon receiving a box of condoms._

 

Jake rolled over, kicking a cold foot into Dirk’s leg and muttering under his breath. Looking at that sleeping face in the dark of his bedroom, Dirk realized that there was probably no way in hell he was going to be able to fall asleep any time soon. Not with all of those thoughts running circles in his head and Jake laying right beside him all warm and adorable distracting.

Fuck it, Dirk decided, starting to maneuver himself out of the bed and away from his sleeping friend. A glass of water sounded damn good right then.

It was quiet in the apartment when Dirk left his bedroom and closed the door behind him. Taking note that his brother’s door was closed and the light had been turned off, he started for the kitchen for that glass of water. Or at least, he had intended to until he noticed his brother talking very quietly in his room.

Utilizing the best stealth mode he could muster, he very quietly opened the door to Dave’s room just a crack. Just enough to see the light emanating from the computer in the room and to hear Dave’s voice more clearly as it continued on.

“— so I set it down and look behind me, and there’s this kid Dirk’s got with him. And I swear to God…” Dirk can hear the way Dave sighs and briefly puts his face in his hands during his pause. “It’s like I’m fucking crazy, Rose. I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me. When did I get like this? It’s like everything has turned itself on it’s head and is doing it’s damned best to fuck me over.” By this point, Dirk was fairly certain, Dave was straightening and beginning some sort of elaborate set of hand gestures. “It’s like I'm in the center of some fucked-up circus and the fates are out to throw as many psychological shitpies at me as they possibly can. They're all whooping and hollering, 'oh damn look at that guy, let’s see what kind of crazy things we can do with him next. Ghost boys? No, we can do way better. Incest? Let’s go farther!' I mean Jesus dick.”

There was a long stretch of silence that followed this, and after the first minute, Dirk chanced opening the door a little wider, just to peer inside. As he had thought, Dave had his back to the door and was sitting at the computer, his screen showing a pretty blonde woman he had never seen before talking in a way that would have probably sounded tired but patient. Dave’s headphones buzzed a little with her voice, unintelligible to Dirk.

 

“Yes, I’m ‘maintaining that belief’, what the fuck else could it be besides a ghost boy? As much sense as that doesn’t make, it’s helluva lot better than the alternative. And I’ve already heard your Freudian repression theory spiel, I’m not going down that road again.” He sighed. Another brief pause, and Dirk watched the woman on screen say something. When Dave spoke again, his voice was softer. “I know, but what the hell could have happened to make me shove this memory so far into my subconscious’ asshole that I couldn’t dig it out with a ten foot pole?”

There was that faint buzzing in Dave’s headphones again as the woman gave him a rather lengthy answer. It was as she spoke that those eyes shifted ever so slightly in Dirk’s direction. It made him tense, but the woman kept going and Dave hadn’t turned around. Dirk kept watching and listening, interested by the conversation. Dave had certainly never said so many words to him all at once.

“Rose, you just… You should have _seen him_. He looked _so damn much_ like… whoever the fuck John is.”

Oh. John again. That name he had cried out and refused to talk about. The guy that he apparently had no problem discussing with this Rose woman and who, apparently, looked so much like Jake. Dirk noted that this time, the name didn’t leave Dave’s lips so easily.

Dirk pulled away from the door and closed it silently, done with hearing the conversation. He didn’t want to hear any more, already having a lot of information to sift through and process and make some fucking sense out of. He wanted to know who Rose was. Who John was. Wanted to know what it meant that this John person looked like Jake. Wanted to know if that, in some way, made his brother a pedophile. If he should feel disgusted and every bit like something very wrong had happened and Dirk simply hadn’t realized it.

Water forgotten, Dirk returned his bedroom and to Jake, crawling back into bed and turning to face the wall, away from his friend while he thought the whole thing out. He was back in that horrible spiral of thoughts, with feelings attached to them, knifing him in the gut with every go-around.

Tonight, he knew, was going to be sleepless.


	4. Taking Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk kisses Jake. Dave is an assbutt. Drama will ensue, but for now have some cute fluffy stuff.

By the time Dirk had finished his morning shower, which ended up being around 7:22am, Jake was up. Jake was up and awake much like little kids are up and awake when they’re fully aware they have just woken up into a day they’d been looking forward to for months. And Jake, Dirk figured, probably actually _had_ been looking forward to their two weeks together for months. Three months and two weeks, to be exact.

Jake was, at least in this situation, a morning person. Had Dirk known this, he would have put some fucking clothes on before heading back to his room. Dirk stood before his best friend in the whole world in the very towel he had stood in the night he tried to seduce Dave, and he couldn’t help but feel a little weird about it. Very weird, even. Weird, and maybe even guilty.

“Oh! Morning, Strider! I was starting to wonder where you got off to.”

Dirk didn’t miss how Jake’s eyes stayed on him, dipping below eye level and settling on the white towel instead. The blush was very apparent on Jake’s cheeks.

“Gotta get my daily ablutions in,” said Dirk, heading over to fiddle with his wardrobifier.

“Right.”

It only took Dirk a couple of seconds to change out of the towel and into his regular clothes, a switch that allowed him to stay covered in front of his friend. No awkward naked instances there. No thank you.

The wardrobifier’s random setting had clothed Dirk in his black wife-beater and some black jeans. He could feel Jake looking at his bare arms.

“Wow,” Jake breathed, not even trying to hide the way he was staring at Dirk. It made him feel flattered, if not a little weirded out. “No wonder you displayed such might in our little brawls yesterday! Your clothes did a fine job of concealing those muscles. I must say, I feel a little deceived!” This came with an invasion of personal space as Jake reached out to actually _touch_ Dirk. Not hit him or start some sort of playful fight or excited hug, but touch him.

He ran his fingertips along Dirk’s shoulders and arms, prodding and appreciative, with a kind of amazement, and maybe something else, on his face.

Dirk allowed this invasion, watching his friend and letting himself enjoy the flattery for a moment. He reminded himself that Jake probably didn’t really grasp the concept of personal space and that he just hadn’t had a conversation face to face with anyone that wasn’t his grandmother before. He told himself that Jake really didn’t mean anything by it. And then fingertips trailed down to his wrist, deliberate, and Jake was looking him in the face, and that was definitely intentional.

“Well,” the other boy began abruptly, before Dirk had much of a chance to say something to him, “I suppose I should follow your example, lest we lose any more daylight.”

Jake turned away from him and pulled his hand back as Dirk watched and did his best to think nothing of it. To tell himself that Jake was his best bro, and said best bro was just being a little overly friendly. He didn’t mean it, surely. “Yeah,” he said after Jake, “sounds good.” Knapsack in hand, Jake was out the door, closing it with a resounding click, and then Dirk was alone in his room again.

Dirk was alone in his room with Lil’ Cal. Alone while Jake took care of his own personal hygiene and while Dave was still sleeping in his own room. Cal looked at him, eyes both piercing and concerned. Smile, welcoming. Dirk figured that if he didn’t leave the apartment by himself then, he wasn’t going to get the chance to for the duration of Jake’s two week visit.

Deciding this wouldn’t do, he moved towards his table and looked at the puppet sitting there as Cal always did, long arms wrapped around his seriously awesome sword with that eternalized look on his face. Dirk was careful as he removed the sword from those plush arms and set the metal aside for the moment, not having any use for the thing yet. Not while it was feelings jam time with good ol’ Lil’ Cal. He picked the puppet up, not even trying to flashstep around the room in some attempt to make it look like he was standing of his own power, and he carried him out of the apartment and up to the roof.

The roof that morning was warm and as inviting as it ever was. Empty and devoid of life, high above the people stirring to motion storeys and storeys below. It was every bit the perfect place for a sword fight or a little one-on-one time with Lil’ Cal. Dirk walked to the edge and sat down, letting his legs hang off the side as he looked at the city below. At the billboard of his brother’s new movie and at the people milling around on the sidewalks and streets.

Dirk just breathed for a moment. In and out. He breathed and tasted the air around him and he considered things for the hundredth time since he had woken up two days ago.

“So,” he said finally, quietly and without looking at the puppet he had folded onto his lap, “what do you think about this.” Lil’ Cal said nothing, staring out into the horizon. “Both. The thing with Jake and the thing with my bro. I don’t see why all this bullshit has to coincide. Or at least they could call ahead and schedule.”

Silence was still what met him, but Dirk pretended otherwise. He pretended that Cal had an opinion about the situation. He pretended that the doll had a tiny little voice of his own that would offer him comfort and a solution. His brain was still wracked, though, so all he could imagine for himself was sympathy.

“Well, it is what it is. I just wish all of this shit didn’t have to happen at the same time. I wish my bro was easier to talk to.” He wished Jake wouldn’t be so flirtatious with him. Wished the guy would let him wallow in his crush and not try to be that light of hope for him.

He imagined Lil’ Cal to suggest talking to Jake about this. Imagined the doll telling him that he wasn’t just imagining Jake flirting with him. That it wasn’t just Jake being naive. He was being honest. Dirk considered this.

“It’d probably be better to let him know, assuming it is all a misunderstanding. Dude probably has no clue how he’s coming off.” Yeah, that’s what he’d do. One problem planned for. Thanks, Lil’ Cal.

Feeling a little better about that particular issue and knowing that no matter how much he sat and mulled and pretended, Lil’ Cal would have nothing to say about Dave other than to call him a big jerk, he stood. He stood, but stared at the city just a little longer and wondered to himself just what kind of problems some of those people weren’t able to talk about to a real person. Wondered if he was the only one who had such a cool guy like Lil’ Cal to talk to.

Dirk turned from the city and the world outside of himself and headed back towards the stairwell and to his apartment. But he stopped there on the second level of stairs, allowing a small frown to show on his features at the man leaning against the railing on the landing.

“Talking to that freaky fucking puppet again?” Dave’s words were flat, but there was still that barest hint of contempt. Dirk let Lil’ Cal do the glaring as he passed by, rigid. He didn’t want to have that conversation with Dave. Not right then. Not ever, really. He expected Dave to call out after him, not one to let him walk away without some sort of argument or layered joke that, in itself, actually meant something mean and aggressive. But nothing came. Dave was quiet as he passed and continued down the stairs.

Jake was out of the shower. Thankfully, he’d dressed before heading back to Dirk’s bedroom, so Dirk wasn’t greeted with a buck-naked English when he found his door wide open.

“Oh, there you are, Strider. Are you ready to get today’s adventures underway?”

Hands on his hips and bright-eyed, Jake seemed to be doing better with the coming-onto-Dirk thing. No awkward, lingering stares or tackles-turned-hug. Dirk decided to let the issue slide, for now. He shook his head and put Lil’ Cal back on the table before he replaced the sword in his arms. Only then did he turn and give his friend some actual attention.

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t exactly intend to get anything underway today without some breakfast first.”

“Oh! Right! I guess I forgot all about nourishment in my haste to get this show on the road!” There was that bright, excited grin on Jake’s face at the very mention of the breakfast he had forgotten about, and Dirk decided that maybe having Jake flirt with him, and maybe even possibly _like_ him, wasn’t such a terrible thing. No, it might be just the thing he needed. 

“So what are you hungry for?” Dirk asked, already gesturing for his friend to leave the room with him. “We’ve got Lucky Charms and another equally cardboard-tasting cereal.”

“Lucky Charms sounds excellent,” said Jake. And so they began their day with hearts, stars, and horseshoes. Jake, as with dinner last night, enjoyed it thoroughly. The cereal was, after all, magically delicious. A guy couldn’t help but enjoy it. Especially not a guy fresh from Hell Monkey Island. Jake, as he informed Dirk often, couldn’t get over just how _sweet_ it was.

The rest of the morning was spent on loud conversations and some gaming and even, towards the end of the morning hours, a nice little tour of the immediate area. It was as the day started encroaching on the afternoon hours that the pair decided they were hungry again and were need of something that wasn’t sugar and cardboard. It wasn’t too long after that before the pair found themselves in a boringly generic McDonald’s restaurant and with sugary fast food in front of them.

Predictably, Jake had tried to use the McFlurry spoon as a straw. It was adorable.

“It’s so gosh darned misleading,” he complained, smiling in spite of himself and fidgeting with the cup.

“It is. Everyone makes that mistake.”

“Even you?” And Jake cocked an eyebrow at his friend, spooning ice cream past a devilish grin.

“Well, it is so gosh darned misleading.” Jake laughed at this, and aimed a friendly kick at Dirk’s ankle. Dirk pushed it back. “Dude, don’t kick me, you’ve got like, steel-toed boots on.”

“So, shins and knees are off-limits. Got it.” This time, Dirk felt Jake kicking the sole of his shoe. He had to flail around a bit until he pinned Jake’s foot under his.

“Not what I meant.” Jake only laughed again, that playful look still on his face like it was one of the best games he had ever thought of to tease Dirk.

It was the other foot that went in for the attack at this point. Jake nudged and pushed Dirk’s feet and ankles while one foot was still pinned. Not that Jake was putting forth any effort to pull it out from under Dirk’s.

Jesus there was surely no way the kid didn’t know he was flirting. Smiles and laughter and pink cheeks, playing fucking _footsie_ , there was no way he didn’t know.

“Okay, seriously,” Dirk said, leaning over the table and lowering his voice, “This thing you’re doing, it’s definitely flirting. Right?”

“Haha, what?”

“You’ve been eyeing me this whole time. And initiating all these close-quarters strifes, which all too often end up as impromptu bro-hug cling-fests. And now you’re playing _footsie_ with me. English, that’s flirting.” Dirk was serious, but also a little hopeful. That part of him wanted Jake to admit it. He wanted Jake to admit that he was flirting and that he was attracted to him and all of these things. Part of him wanted to be wanted. But then there was that part of him that was still caught up in what his stupid asshole brother thought of him. That part in the back of his brain that told him to keep brushing it off. Ignore him. Reject him. Because that part of him still wanted Dave, as stupid as he thought that was.

Jake retracted his feet and looked down thoughtfully at the table. “Oh. I guess I have been, then?” The pink in his cheeks took a turn for red. “What sort of fool doesn’t know when he’s flirting? Gee.” He fiddled with his collar, nerves showing in twitchy fingers. Dirk hadn’t thought that when Jake typed out that he executed such a motion, he was actually doing it. But there it was. He thought that was cute, too. “My apologies.”

Dirk took a moment to consider this, and consider Jake, all flustered in front of him. There was that moment of silence between them as he thought. He figured that it was okay that Jake liked him enough to flirt. That it was fine, and that Dirk rather liked it. “Hey,” he said finally, “come here.”

Confusion written all over his face, Jake leaned closer.

Dirk tried not to think about it as he leaned forward those last few inches and pressed their lips together. Kissed his best friend. And his best friend kissed him back, in the middle of McDonalds though they were.

It was a slow and experimental kind of thing. Dirk watched as Jake closed his eyes to it. As he brought a hand to Dirk’s cheek and just _kissed_ him. It was definitely a nice feeling, and he certainly liked kissing Jake. His lips were cold from the ice cream, but it only seemed to make the whole thing that much better.

Eventually, they parted, and Jake let out this audible breath. “Wow,” he whispered, that smile forming over his lips again. “I must say, I’ve certainly never kissed anyone before.” Dirk was thankful that Jake still had the mind to keep his voice down.

“Can’t see how you would have had the opportunity to, unless you went around smooching the Brobot.”

“No! I never!” Jake actually looked scandalized at the very idea of kissing a cold, metallic robot. Not that the thing actually had lips to kiss back with. It almost made Dirk want to smirk at him. But only almost.

“That was a joke. You can laugh that ridiculous laugh of yours now.”

Jake frowned, the expression more of a pout than anything. “It’s not that ridiculous,” he said, though Dirk could tell he wasn’t actually all that offended.

“How about we go back to the apartment?” The suggestion was certainly the most lewd thing Dirk could think to say in a public place. He was suggesting they go back and continue that kissing thing, and maybe even take things further. Make things more exciting. He looked Jake in the eye until he was fairly certain that his point made its way into the other boy’s brain, showing on his face. It was fun to see the light go off in his head.

Jake stood from his seat a little hurriedly, face red all the way to his ears, and Dirk couldn’t help but smirk at this, just a little. He stood as well, taking their tray of trash and cold fries and carrying them to the waste basket before he gestured for his friend to follow him out.

Dirk was excited to get back home and lock the both of them in his room for the next few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be NSFW. Just so everyone is aware of this. Gettin' to the sexy stuff. Aww yieah.


	5. Heavy Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just sit here and apologize both for the lateness of this chapter and for the quality of it.

The apartment seemed quiet enough when Dirk led Jake back inside. Whether or not that meant Dave was home, Dirk didn’t know. He didn’t even care. Not really. Right now, there was Jake. And he wasn’t going to think too hard about Dave just yet.

His and Jake’s little movements made the silence stifling, almost. Or maybe it was just the sexual tension thrumming between them. They were like magnets trying to pull closer the more they kept their distance. From the corner of his eye, he saw Jake going nuts with nervous energy. He didn’t seem to know how to keep still anymore. Roaming eyes and drumming fingers and licking his lips over and over. Shifting his weight from one foot to the other. It was fucking adorable, and Dirk was having a bit of a hard time refraining from kissing him more. From doing things to him that maybe Jake had thought about before alone on his island.

Dirk had at least led his friend to his bedroom and closed the door behind the both of them before he set out on his attack. He pressed the other boy to the wood of his door before he kissed him, pressing his lips to the other’s hard, like he was hungry for him. And really he was, in a sense. He was hungry for the kind of affection that it was obvious Jake was willing to offer him. He was hungry to get his older brother out of his head and replace him with someone who wasn’t a total asshole.

He was entirely pleased when Jake kissed him back. When Jake pressed those hands of his to his shoulders and just _hummed_ into the kiss like it was the best damn thing that had ever happened to him. Dirk couldn’t help but think to himself that it probably actually was the best damn thing that had ever happened to Jake. It might have been the same for him, if not for Dave.

No. Not thinking about him. Dirk was with Jake right then, and it sure as hell wasn’t fair to the other for him to be thinking about someone else. It wasn’t fair to himself, either, for that matter. And certainly not to Dave.

Regardless of Dave and any sort of fairness, however, Dirk was rather enjoying the kiss. He was enjoying the way that Jake tasted and sounded. Enjoying the way the other boy parted his lips for him when Dirk licked along them. Jake had absolutely latched onto him by that point. A keening mess that only seemed to worsen when Dirk slid his tongue into his mouth and began his own exploring. His own adventuring.

There was certainly something, he thought to himself in the midst of all this, to kissing someone that was most definitely not his brother. It was entirely different and Dirk wasn’t a hundred percent sure how he felt about it yet. So he tried not to think about how he felt at all. Instead he tried to think about how nice Jake tasted and how great it was to have someone melt against him like that.

And then Jake erupted into wildness, hands moving through his hair, down his neck and back, and up again. Kissing back with a passion of his own. The sudden shift in temperment caught Dirk by surprise. Though that wasn’t to say he didn’t enjoy it. Indeed, it only proved to make the make-outs become sloppier and sloppier, and that was basically always a plus. At least it was in Dirk’s book.

It was actually Jake who initiated the movement. It was Jake who pushed Dirk away from him and towards the bed on which they had slept together platonically the night before. Dirk caught his eye before his knees gave against the edge of the mattress. There was a soulfulness Dirk had never seen in them before, some parts he knew to be lust, but others entirely foreign and something he hadn’t ever actually seen. Not up close. Not directed at him. And that, even in light of all the scrums and sneak attacks and devilishly underhanded moves he’d endured from Jake English, was startling.

As his rump hit the bed, Dirk wondered just what in the hell he’d fallen ass-backwards into. Then Jake was kneeling over him, settling himself over his lap, and pressing his mouth over Dirk’s again. And that was fine. That was good. It was the kind of thing Dirk could appreciate, even if he hadn’t expected it.

It was the rubbing and the grinding that really got Dirk. It was the way that Jake groaned ever so slightly into his kiss and the way he rubbed their hips together in _just the right way_. The way that Dirk could feel his friend’s very obvious erection through their pants. How Dirk was quickly becoming hard himself under all of the attention he was receiving.

“Mm, Strider.” Jake gave little vocalizations against Dirk’s lips, and he could feel the smile there on Jake’s face.

Hands on his friend’s waist, Dirk pressed up against him. He hummed into the kiss and he moved to try to flip the both of them over, not quite wanting to just lie down and accept any submissive role. Not with Jake. Not when he thought he had a good chance to take the lead. Jake struggled against him, of course, but Dirk was stronger. Maybe not by all that much, but it was enough for him to get what he wanted. And what he wanted was Jake underneath him.

Lips connected to skin again, and the fight in Jake died down enough for Dirk to grip fingers in his hair. To tilt his head to the side and attack that neck of his, pressing kisses and bites to the flesh there and then sucking almost apologetically. Jake whined and pulled him closer, bucking his hips up, eager, and Dirk could just _feel_ how hard Jake had gotten.

“Fuck,” Dirk cursed, the word more breath than actual sound against Jake’s heated skin. There was a chuckle from the other boy at that point, a little nervous and maybe a little something else, too, and those hips were bucking up again.

“Is it…” Jake paused. Swallowed. “Always like this? Making out? This… intense?”

Dirk pulled back a little to look at him, his own hips rolling of their own accord. “Yeah,” he murmured, like he actually knew what he was talking about. Like he was used to making out with people that weren’t his emotionally detached brother. And then he was kissing over his jaw again, towards his ear. He murmured the other’s name softly, hips rolling again and erection unbearable, still trapped in his clothes the way it was.

There were arms wrapping around him, now and Jake was fucking _moaning_. They hadn’t done anything yet, and he was moaning. The sound was beautiful and it made Dirk’s dick throb. He cursed a second time before they were kissing again. Humming again and rolling. Grinding as Jake was apparently finished with being beneath Dirk, and they were wrestling for that dominance again. His hands pushed against him, fingers crawling under the slipped-up edges of Dirk’s shirt.

Their fighting sent both boys to the floor and it was Jake who had ended up on top. The boy grinned down at him, expression proud and every bit like he just wanted to devour Dirk. Which, Dirk decided, would actually be pretty okay with him. There were no words before they were kissing yet again. They bit and sucked at one another, hands scraping at skin under cloth and breath coming out in little pants between kisses.

Dirk didn’t want to stop. He didn’t want to stop and start thinking about things again. He wanted this. Wanted Jake. Wanted very badly to stop feeling guilty. But, as it seemed, stopping wasn’t really a thing that was on Jake’s mind, and he was grateful for that. He gasped at the way those hands of Jake’s brushed against his ribs in the kind of way that pretty fucking perfect, his own hands moving to push that jacket of his off of his shoulders and onto the floor. To draw Jake’s shirt up and off over his head.

There was a soft kind of embarrassed curse when the action knocked Jake’s glasses off his face, and Dirk had to resist the urge to actually smile at how great that was, too. He instead watched as the other placed the glasses carefully to the side and looked down at him, face considering and maybe a little nervous, too. Dirk licked his lips.

“Is this really quite alright?” Jake asked, voice quiet and uncertain. Hopeful.

“Yeah,” Dirk murmured, hands slowly moving over the bare skin of Jake’s torso he had exposed. “It’s totally okay.” He lay there with his best friend sitting on his hips, looking up at him and thinking about how much _easier_ this was. How being with Jake like this was probably worlds better than sitting around pining over his older brother and thinking about how to get in his pants again. How to get Dave to actually pay attention to him.

And then Jake was leaning over him again and the kiss was slower, a little apologetic. Jake hummed with it, rolling his hips as Dirk let his hands roam over his body. Over the muscles in his arms and over his shoulder blades before finding their way into his black hair. It was only then as the other parted his lips for him and as they slid their tongues together that Dirk really processed how Jake tasted like strawberries. Not that it was entirely surprising, but he liked it. He liked it rather a lot.

“Gosh but I’m nervous,” Jake murmured against his lips after a moment, a half-laugh, eyes open and looking at him. Staring at him like he could see the orange of Dirk’s eyes behind his shades.

“Do you want to stop?” The words were quiet, and Dirk did his damned best not to shiver at the way their lips brushed against each other ever so lightly as they spoke.

It was obvious in the way that Jake hesitated that he was just thinking about it. That he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stop or not. He waited, hoping inwardly that he would say no. That they would keep kissing and maybe even go further than that. Hoping that Jake would agree to be the very thing Dirk had been looking for in Dave.

“No, I…” He pulled back a little further, licked his lips. “This is okay.” He then reached for Dirk’s shades, moving slowly to no doubt make sure that he was okay with it. Dirk was still, tensing, but allowing it.

It made him nervous when Jake slowly removed his shades from his face. When Jake set them down along with his glasses and just looked. Part of him honestly kind of hated that look. The way Jake looked into his eyes for the first time and saw the orange colour of them. Made Dirk wish that he could hear what he was thinking. But then there was the part of him that loved that look. The part of him that loved the attention and that part of him that just wanted Jake to keep looking at him like that. Wanted Jake to keep _seeing_ him.

It felt like ages before either of them said anything, the pause long and heavy as Dirk watched Jake stare at him. He had half expected the other to start shying away in some sort of disgust, but he knew that was silly. Knew that Jake wouldn’t do that to him.

“I dare say I’ve never seen that before,” Jake finally breathed, fingers gently touching Dirk’s cheek.

Dirk scoffed a tiny laugh at that, looking into too green eyes and running his hands down his back and over his sides again. “Yeah, I bet not,” he hummed softly. “Now are you going to stare at me all day or are we going to finish what we started?”

This caused another grin to erupt on Jake’s face before they were kissing again. This time it wasn’t slow or fast, but there was need there. A kind of hunger that Dirk certainly appreciated. He pressed back against the kiss, hips rolling up against his friend just to hear him gasp, and _fuck_ that gasp was wonderful.

Dirk was aware of the conscious decision to stop beating around the bush as his hands started moving over Jake’s body again. As they explored the warm skin of his back and sides and then he wasn’t so interested in that part of him anymore. Instead he was reaching between them for the button of Jake’s shorts, flipping it open and drawing down the zipper, and he was relieved and entirely glad when Jake let it happen. When Jake rolled his hips again as Dirk started pushing those shorts down and out of their way.

“Are we…” Jake swallowed, and Dirk swallowed his small bit of irritation at the way Jake continued to stop kissing him. “I’ve never done this before.”

It was Dirk’s turn to lick his lips at this, looking up at his friend’s face and considering him there for a moment. He considered the tone of his friend’s voice, that look on his face, and the fact that it was painfully obvious just how hard Jake was against him. “It’s okay,” Dirk murmured, hands moving over his sides and his hips again. “I know.” And then he was trying to pretend he was more experienced at the whole thing. At being with another person. That he actually knew what he was doing.

Jake straightened, cheeks red and amazing, and he pushed his shorts the rest of the way off, underwear going down with them. At this, Dirk didn’t even try hiding the way he looked at the other’s erection. Didn’t hide the expression of want and lust as he just looked at him there in front of him. Above him and on top of him. Fuck, Jake was hot. Almost gingerly, he moved one hand to wrap around the erection there in front of him, licking his lips again as he did so.

The sound that came from Jake was quite possibly one of the best things Dirk had ever heard before. Jake had moaned and practically bucked his hips into that hand like it really was the first time anyone had ever touched him there in his life. Which, he remembered, was actually pretty true. The reaction pulled a small groan from Dirk and he wanted so very badly to flip them over again. To pin his friend down and fuck him simply because he was being so damn hot.

But he didn’t do that. No, he refrained, instead enjoying the look on Jake’s face as he touched him. Enjoying the way he sounded when he loved it, the way he moved against him. And he certainly loved it when Jake’s hands undid Dirk’s pants and drew out his erection. The blonde bit his lower lip, his own hips raising into that touch and _fuck_ , Dirk was pretty damn sure a touch alone wasn’t supposed to feel so damn great.

At some point he was aware that Jake had started talking. That Jake had started muttering a long string of things that didn’t make sense once he actually started listening to it. He had also distantly noted the sound of the front door being shut rather loudly, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not when he had Jake English there with him, moaning and talking and touching him.

And it was through all of this that Dirk realized he wasn’t going to last much longer. That he realized just how close he was to bubbling over with what was happening. What he was doing and what was being done to him. He moved his hand faster over Jake, pumping him and urging him with coos and grunts to let himself go. To show Dirk just how much he liked this. Just how _good_ it made him feel.

It was Jake who came first with a cry, eyes closed and wonderful. Dirk felt the pulse under his hand, and then he was losing it, too. He was gone at the feeling of his own lust splashing over his chest and at the feeling of Jake squeezing him so god damn perfectly through it.

The normal flow of time bowed out as they lost themselves to sensation. Dimly, Dirk was aware of Jake’s hips settling atop his thighs, forehead resting on the carpet somewhere to the right of his. Breaths came warm and fast on his shoulder, steamy against Dirk’s skin. Both boys fought to reclaim control of their lungs.

Jake, of course, was the first to break the afterglow silence, with a husky “ _wow_.” He swallowed dryly, and then began to chuckle.

This time, Dirk was certain he heard the front door, followed by surreptitious footsteps half-sounding towards Dave’s room. The noise would be lost to anyone who wasn’t Dirk. Dirk had years of practice in picking up on his brother’s stealth mode slights. His ears could account for muffling; he knew the walls between them far too well.

“What are you laughing at, you buffoon,” he teased, quiet, as if Dave’s furtiveness had crept into his voice reflexively.

“I’m just happy!” The smile was apparent in Jake’s voice. Dirk let the corner of his mouth hitch upward, and a bemused snort left his nose, more breath than anything. Let his arm wrap over Jake’s back, damp with sweat. Let Jake snuggle closer and laugh into his neck.

There were ghosts of shuffling from the other room again. Dirk strained his ears, and Jake caught Dirk’s hand in his.


	6. Sidelong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so late! it's totally my fault, guys, blame it on me. hope this was worth the wait! -- Reggy

It took Dave a full seven minutes to realize all that was happening on his new comic page was mouse doodles. A thick black line swerving every which way, bunching up into knots when his mind caught on a particularly nasty tangle. He couldn’t get those voices out of his head, the ones bleeding through the walls of Dirk’s room. The ones that were too wrapped up in intimate motion to bother with modesty. His brother’s voice. Quieter underneath Jake’s vocal abandon, but still spiking Dave’s nerves. Underscored in his memory, sounding out with another man’s pleasure.

It didn’t make sense for Dave to be upset about this. It didn’t make sense for him to doodle and listen and _scowl_ at something he couldn’t even see. Something that shouldn’t have even mattered, but somehow did. Dave turned his computer off and he tried to shut out the voices. Tried to shut out the voices and the memories when Dirk made those same noises in his ear. In the sheets of his bed. And he told himself it didn’t matter as he rose from his chair. Told himself that Dirk could do whatever he wanted as he quietly left his room. That he didn’t want a kid like that in such a fucked up way, anyway, as he slammed the front door of the apartment behind him.

Maybe he was lying to himself. Dave considered this as he left the building and as he pulled a box of cigarettes from his pocket. Considered the possibility that maybe he really was jealous as he placed the thing between his lips. Reminded himself that he was being ridiculous as he forgot to light his cigarette. 

The whole situation was ludicrous. It was sick and messed up and entirely wrong. Dirk was his little brother, who he raised to be seriously cool. Sure, he had slept with him, but he had been drunk. Drunk (though not _that_ drunk, some internal Rose tried to remind him, voice disapproving) and too deep in thought about something that was so much better left forgotten. 

Only when the breeze hit his face did Dave realize that he’d headed for the roof. He chuckled quietly for Rose’s sake at the irony, in its classic sense: in Dirk, this time, being the one to drive Dave to this favorite haunt. Wind knocked the lighter flame out a few times before he managed to fumble it to life and light the cigarette he had left hanging, neglected and nearly forgotten, in his mouth. 

He stood at the edge of the roof where Dave was pretty sure there had been railing once, and he just smoked his cigarette and stared. Stared and made an actual attempt at not thinking about what was going on in his apartment. His mind detoured for the Internal Rose who offered patient and rational answers to such questions as, “what the fuck is wrong with me,” and “what’s the easiest way out,” though he was pretty sure Rose herself would have insisted he take the best way. Which most always meant the hardest and most tortuous way. Because inflicting intense psychological anguish upon yourself was apparently the healthiest and most therapeutic method of dealing with your problems.

Or he could stand there taking long drags of his cigarette on the roof until the balls of his feet went numb.

Option number two was much more appealing. And it was already underway, and you know inertia is a bitch, he told Internal Rose. He blew a long breath of smoke into the sky to mingle with the rising exhaust fumes, and yes, that was good. Relaxing. Better than sitting in his room listening to someone who was basically his own son and the kid’s friend fucking, trying (and failing) to get some work done. 

Far too soon, only the dregs of his cigarette remained and Dave dropped the butt on the ground to stamp out whatever was left smoldering. Plan executed. Success pending. He put the verdict on a backburner in his mind for the time being. For now, he figured enough time might have passed to be able to go back to his apartment without having to hear things he rather wouldn’t have heard ever.

He didn’t bother to catch the door before it smacked into the wall, dubbing it the fanfare announcing his arrival. Better make yourselves decent, boys. They had quieted down at that point, at least, aside from quiet murmurs he could hear through the thin door and thin walls on his way back to his room. That friend of Dirk’s was laughing. It almost sounded familiar with how absurdly _dumb_ it was. Almost. And it might actually have sounded familiar to Dave if he hadn’t closed his eyes and shut his bedroom door behind him in some attempt to block out the awful sound and the small conversation that might have followed. 

Emotions itched in his fingertips, so he started up Pesterchum to pound them out to Rose. It was better than letting them stew, even if he was setting himself up for Snarky Broad Psychoanalysis. Hell, maybe he could use it at the moment. Maybe. What even time was it in New York? She’d better not be busy. Dave sent threatening mental auras to her by way of glowering at the computer screen until the messenger connected. Rose’s “bemused” mood face was lit up. Well, there was one thing that went right today.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 15:29 --

TG: tell me again how fucked up i am  
TT: Throwing yourself under my scruples again so soon?  
TT: What did you do this time?  
TG: it wasnt me  
TG: for once  
TG: it was those damn kids  
TT: Oh?  
TG: yeah they got their freak on  
TG: while i was in the other fucking room  
TG: and as nice as this place is its still an apartment  
TG: sound fucking travels  
TT: You were there the whole time?  
TG: yeah basically  
TG: i mean i left once it started getting really going and when i came back they were pretty much done  
TG: didnt take them very long i only stepped out for a smoke  
TT: Hm.  
TG: no  
TG: dont you hm me  
TG: dont you dare  
TT: It was a noise of reflection. I’m trying to get a feel for your situation.  
TT: Why are you upset by this?  
TG: why do you THINK i was practically witness to jailbait boning  
TG: some kid was doing my brother i dont want to hear that  
TT: And I ask again, why?

Dave paused for just long enough to betray himself to Rose. Three seconds and she had her answer, he knew she had her answer. He hit out a lame attempt at deflecting her, anyway.

TG: what do you mean why  
TT: You claim to be bothered by overhearing the younger brother you raised from infancy having intercourse, or at least that’s what one would logically assume to be the case.  
TT: However, you and I are both privy to the fact that you harbor no real inhibitions when it comes to intimacy with him.  
TT: I can’t help but conclude that you’re upset that Dirk “got his freak on” with someone who wasn’t you.  
TG: bullshit  
TT: So you say. But my accusations aren’t ungrounded. I have documentation.  
TG: jesus fucking christ

He leaned back in his chair, arms dangling by his side helplessly. Sucked on his teeth as he fought for a response. Rose starting up typing again.

TT: I’m kidding, of course.  
TT: Nowhere do I have physical files on your mental and emotional condition.

That pulled a snort of laughter from Dave. He liked Rose best when she treaded the intersection between friend, confidante, and therapist. Wondered idly if that was what having a real sister was like.

TG: yeah youve got everything in brainspace  
TG: like its the fucking cloud  
TG: … im gonna leave it at that  
TG: no simile tirade for you missy  
TG: not today  
TT: You really are shaken by this, aren’t you.  
TG: that wasnt a question  
TT: No, it wasn’t.  
TT: You know, you could stop sassing me at every turn and talk to me. I may not be able to help, but I can at least assure you that I’ll listen.

She was right- he was the one who started pestering her, after all. Letting go of some nerves in a huff of breath, he shifted and resettled his fingers along the keyboard.

TG: yeah i know  
TG: its just weird to be so frank with you when like  
TG: i havent even been straight with myself yknow  
TT: You can sift through it now. I’ll take the back seat, let you and your emotions take the wheel.  
TT: And there, I’ve also gotten a requisite metaphor out of the way.  
TG: taking one for the team attagirl  
TT: Moving along.

And that was his cue. Cut the actual bullshit, dish out the feelingsy bullshit instead. Probably shouldn’t call it bullshit, he figured. Nix that self-talk negative feedback loop thing.

TG: i raised this kid all his life  
TG: i mean he should technically be like my son right  
TG: that sounds so weird son is so not the right word  
TG: even brother is pretty ill-fitting   
TG: ive known him since he was in diapers youd think id be more paternal or something  
TG: but im not  
TG: im really not  
TG: like he needed me as a guardian when he was a kid  
TG: to show him how to tie his shoes and hold a sword and tell him not to pee all over everything  
TG: but he can take care of himself now  
TG: and im shucking off that role like an old suit  
TG: pants only go down to my shin anymore and i can barely get my arms through the sleeves  
TG: it was too formal anyway  
TG: it just wasnt me  
TG: so if im not his father figure  
TG: what the hell am i  
TT: You mentioned that thinking of Dirk as a brother is “ill-fitting”. Why?  
TG: it just feels wrong  
TT: How?  
TG: like   
TG: backwards  
TG: somehow  
TG: jesus that doesnt make any sense  
TT: Brotherhood isn’t an ownership, you know. The relationship is reflexive.  
TT: You’re just as much his brother as he is yours.  
TG: i know it is  
TG: just  
TG: hes got this poise like he knows what hes doing  
TG: and i dont  
TG: if hes such a suave motherfucker why doesnt he step up to the big brother plate  
TG: i officially nominate him  
TT: So you’re essentially asking for role reversal?  
TG: yes?  
TG: no  
TG: fuck i dont know  
TT: It’s interesting that you feel that way.  
TG: interesting as in  
TT: As in uncomfortable.  
TT: Uncomfortably right.

A moment of will-I-won’t-I passed before he let his words spill into the chat window. He was poking the hornet’s nest, he knew, but this was twin to the issue of his Mystery Boy. Even though Rose was more tight-lipped about her personal life, Dave could piece together enough of of what she did and didn’t say to understand that he wasn’t alone in thinking there was something in the world that they both were missing.

TG: so you agree that there is some weird surreal horseshit thats lodged itself in our brains  
TG: and is basically rotting up there  
TG: and taking us with it  
TT: I’ve been getting that impression, yes.  
TT: Good to know I’m not the only one who feels so irrationally about our familial situations.  
TG: we are in the deep shit rose  
TT: Entrenched in it.  
TG: what the fuck is wrong with us  
TT: ...I don’t know.

Both of them let the cursor blink emptily for a while. But it was Dave who put his fingers to the keyboard again after their pause. 

TG: so weve established that im a jealous sonnuvabitch because dirk is screwing jake of the jungle  
TG: thats one issue down  
TT: One of several.  
TG: are we gonna talk about that other thing  
TT: Are we?  
TG: why the fuck not weve already turned onto mindfuck lane  
TG: might as well take a stroll while were here  
TG: what is there to even talk about though  
TG: besides nodding and stating the obvious  
TG: dave sure did fantasize about an underage boy hes never seen before while doing a different underage boy yup  
TT: …  
TG: maybe thats not so obvious to you

A tense moment passed.

TG: you there  
TT: I surmised as much.  
TT: Sadly, I’m afraid I have to cut our conversation short.  
TT: The pressures of being a popular novelist are numerous and often unrelenting.  
TG: i gotcha  
TG: talk to you later then  
TT: Don’t mistake this pause in our introspective journey as a sign of my giving up, though, David.  
TG: wouldnt dream of it  
TG: rosalyn  
TT: Until then.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:46--

 

Another conversation down with Rose and in most cases, Dave could admit that he didn’t actually feel a whole lot better about anything. In fact, he felt quite a bit worse now that his brother and that friend of his had left Dirk’s room and were now rough-housing in the living room. He’d have thought that their bedroom escapade would have taken the edge off of English’s enthusiasm, but this didn’t seem to be the case. Their gallivanting grated on Dave’s ears, so he pulled up his abandoned comic and channeled his frustration into digital pen scribblings. This time it seemed to fuel his work rather better than before, and he resolved to lose himself in it.

This worked for maybe twenty minutes or so, before the ruckus in the living room stopped and Dave’s imagination was left to wonder what the hell else they could be getting up to. Silence ringing in his ears, he kicked the computer chair backwards, sweeping out of the door and catching a handful of Dirk’s collar as he passed by. “Roof. Now,” was the only explanation he offered before he let go again and walked away from his little brother, not even bothering to look at any expression either of them might offer to his sudden order. He didn’t turn around until he reached the topmost floor, heard Dirk come to a shuffling stop behind him.

“What the hell, Bro--”

“Look, I understand you two are having a grand old time together, but I’m not putting up with any funny business.”

Dirk’s brow crinkled behind his shades. “‘ _Funny business_ ’?”

“Don’t give me that fucking look, like you don’t know what I mean. You’re smarter than that and we both know it.” 

“Yeah, I just fail to see how it’s any of your concern.”

“It’s my goddamn apartment! That’s how it’s any of my concern,” Dave yelled, louder than he intended. His volume was betraying more emotion than he wanted to, but he couldn’t stop himself now. “I was home, you know. When you two were going at it.” Dirk had the decency to blush a little, stoic though his face remained. “Bet you thought you were being real sneaky. Well, I’ve been around some myself, and I know you, so don’t you think for a goddamn _minute_ that you’re gonna fool stupid old Dave.”

“I wasn’t trying to fool you.”

“The hell you weren’t.” 

And suddenly, enough was enough. Like a shaken soda bottle, Dave’s insides were roiling to fever pitch, and he needed to explode. He needed to strife and he needed his little brother to stop looking at him like that. Needed Dirk to strife with him and to stop being such a kid. He drew a nearby sword from its hiding place in-between two ventilation shafts, stashed for such an occasion. 

“I’ve had enough of your bullshit, c’mon. Come at me, come on!” He jeered, switching his weight from one foot to the other restlessly. Ire growing as his taunts met with more of Dirk’s stonewalling. Then, he struck, sudden and hard. Dirk had just enough time to evade, jumping back to find a hidden sword of his own. The rhythm had been set- Dave was reckless, rushed forward as if trying to pound his brother into a dusty memory against the concrete. It was all Dirk could do to meet him blow-for-blow. His gaze pierced through both their eyewear in an intensity Dave could feel upon his skin.

Dave became faster and more furious as he prickled under those orange eyes. Too late, he realized he’d become sloppier, as the hilt of Dirk’s sword appeared in the bottom of his peripheral vision, slamming him in the chest. He staggered backwards, arms stilled and the breath knocked out of him. Dirk rose, eyes still on him, Dave knew.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Dirk demanded, his tone still mostly even and mostly in his control, despite the strife and the yelling. “For someone who gave me a box of fucking condoms, you’re suddenly all uptight about my sexual encounters. And what’s with you dragging me up here for no other reason than bitching and moaning at me for something you facilitated in the first place? Or, if not facilitated, then definitely nudged. You were none too subtle about your little gift, Bro. And besides,” Dirk sneered, taking a step closer, “if you didn’t want me to have sex, then _maybe you shouldn’t have done me in the first place_.”

And he was gone. Dave’s voice wheezed uselessly in his throat, still recovering, his lips forming around soundless curses. The anger that had swelled in his chest had deflated, but was still there, and stung of defeat and of a sense of its own wretchedness. Throwing his sword to the ground, Dave sat against the ventilation units, nursing his wounded pride as the hot evening wind kicked his bangs around.

“God damnit.”


	7. Temporary Comforts

The airport was- as it was in most cases- loud, crowded, and controlled at 2:39pm. It was buzzing with welcomes and goodbyes, stern voices telling people to take their shoes off, no, ma’am, it was not optional. The PA system crackled with a lady’s voice that almost filled the entire terminal, but Dirk wasn’t paying any mind to this. What he was paying attention to, instead, was the fact that Jake was _still_ grinning at him in that way he did. That Jake was leaving and he was grinning and he was okay with because, as he had said numerous times, that the adventure was a blast and well worth the trip. 

Praises for the past week and the general location of Houston spilled from his lips almost constantly. He thanked Dirk often for his and his brother’s hospitality, asking him to relay these messages to Dave despite the chill that had fallen between the brothers as of late. Either Jake was trying not to notice how frigid they were acting, or he honestly didn’t pick up on it, despite the fact that it could have frosted his glasses in its intensity. He continued to spout well-wishes and gratitudes, even as an attendant was calling his flight number.

“I’ve had the time of my life, Dirk. Truly.” And he smiled, somehow more purely than any other smile he’d shown before. It was rawer, in that the shortness of their time pushed Jake’s every emotion to the forefront. 

Dirk nodded to this, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans and lips upturned to the barest of smiles. Because really, he had loved the time spent with his friend, too. Loved the adventure and loved, in one sense or another, Jake English. “Yeah,” he said quietly, not entirely sure what he could say to him. To someone who was leaving and whom he had been sleeping with for the past week and a half, with no real intention of furthering their relationship. Of telling him that he loved him or otherwise. “It was a lot of fun.”

It occurred to him at this point that maybe he should kiss Jake. That maybe he should take his hand and make some sort of vague promise about meeting again sometime in the near future or visiting Jake’s island. But he didn’t do those things. Instead he reached out and playfully pushed Jake’s shoulder. 

“You’re going to miss your flight if you keep standing around, Jake.”

Jake gave a little laugh of assent, shifting the bag on his back. Then, suddenly, Dirk was pulled into a hug. Jake’s chin on his shoulder, his arms looped around Dirk’s. It wasn’t the excited, crushing hugs that he’d been given all throughout Jake’s visit, but an honest-to-god embrace. Complete with a few hearty thumps on the back, Dirk noted as Jake pulled away, almost before Dirk got an arm up to return the gesture.

“Well,” Jake breathed, the sound somewhere between a laugh and something sadder. “I’m off, then, Strider!” 

And there was that grin again. That dazzling thing that Dirk almost regretted seeing. That smile that was filled with an affection Dirk didn’t feel right being the target of. A part of Dirk wanted to tell Jake not to look at him like that. Another wanted to keep him from boarding that plane and ask him to continue giving him those looks of adoration. Listening to neither of these sides of himself, Dirk instead watched as Jake took a deep breath and turned away from him. He disappeared into the jet bridge before Dirk remembered that he hadn’t said a proper goodbye.

Oddly enough, Dirk found that he didn’t quite regret it. Instead he shoved his hands back into his pockets, wrapping his fingers over his cell phone and heading back outside to the car where Dave had been ‘kind’ enough to wait for him. The whole trip put Dave out of his way, made necessary by Jake missing his bus, and now that Jake was gone, Dave was free to act as sour as he’d like about it. Climbing into the passenger seat, Dirk fixed his vision on the dashboard and proceeded to make a point of ignoring his older brother. 

“We goin’ home now, or do you feel like guilt tripping me into driving you to some other ridiculous location that I have no business in whatsoever?” Dave asked, tone low and irritated.

“Yeah, Bro,” Dirk had replied, still not looking at him. “We’re going home.”

The ride back was silent, aside from the wind blowing through the open windows and the occasional sound of Dave tapping his fingers on the steering wheel in what Dirk thought to be anger. It was awkward and awful and more than anything, Dirk wanted to get home and lock himself in his room with Lil’ Cal and his robotic experiments. Dave turned sharply into a parking space and jammed the gear into park once they got to their apartment building.

“Thank god _that’s_ over with,” he muttered, letting his seatbelt fly back carelessly with one foot already out of the door.

“Couldn’t get away from you soon enough, either, Bro.” Dirk said as he also unbuckled his seatbelt and started climbing out of the car. He was still angry with Dave. Still angry for the ‘gift’ he had given to Dirk and still angry that Dave had to be such a god damn _child_. 

“What’d you say,” Dave barked from the other side of the car. Dirk opted to ignore him, heading for the apartment building and the staircase to get to their unit. He didn’t want to humor Dave’s tantrum today. Still, shouts were hurled at his back. “I’m not gonna take any lip from you, dammit,” and “I am your older goddamned brother, and your legal guardian, and this shit isn’t gonna fly. I’m telling you that right the fuck now.” Dirk clenched his jaw, swallowing down any of his own responses. No. He was not going to give into him. He was going to just go to his room and let Dave calm down. 

It was 3:16pm by the time Dirk unlocked their unit and walked into the apartment, moving at least as far as the futon set up in the middle of the living room before he turned again. At the very least, he wanted to make it clear that he wasn’t in a talking mood. Not now. “Bro, you’re acting like a fucking child. I’m not going to humor that today. I’m going to go to my room. But we need to talk later.”

There was still that tiny part of him that cringed as he talked. A tiny part that knew Dave would be angry at Dirk talking to him like that. That the man who raised him, the man he used to look up to, would glare and shout and challenge him to another strife in which he would more than likely beat the crap out of him as some sort of Strider “don’t fuck with me” lesson. That tiny part expected it. Hell, a lot of him expected it, but he wasn’t scared of Dave. Not when he was acting like such a brat.

Predictably, Dave shot a “fuck you” at Dirk’s closing door. Once it latched, Dirk felt a degree of something like relief settling in his stomach. There was a small comfort to be had in retreating to his bedroom like the sore teenager he was. It definitely seemed to be the high road, compared to Dave’s behavior lately. But he was done thinking about Dave for a while.

Robotics. Robotics was what he wanted to lose himself in for a while. Robotics was how he wanted to calm himself down. And he had been about to set to work, picking up an appendage he had dropped on the floor some odd weeks ago when the phone in his pocket started screaming the ironically awesome rock solo in the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff song. He felt the need to change that, now.

“I do hope there is some problem you need help with,” he said into the receiver without checking who was calling. He was hardly in any mood to entertain anyone at the moment. Hell, he should have just let the phone ring.

“Well, for starters, could you inform me whether I’ve reached a Mister Dirk Strider?”

It had been a while since he’d heard that voice in his ear. He smirked. “Indeed you have, Miss Crocker. What can I do you for?”

“Hoo hoo! Oh, I just called to say hi. Dad got me a phone card, and we haven’t talked in ages, so I’m throwing long-distance charges to the wind and checking in with you. It always surprises me how deep your voice is, though!”

“Does it.” He set the robot arm down on the nearest available desk space and sat down on his bed. Relaxing with robotics was one thing, but relaxing with Jane Crocker’s voice in his ear was something else entirely. Something he preferred.

“It does!” She insisted, and Dirk listened to the sound of a body falling on top of something soft. Like, he supposed, her bed.

Dirk felt himself genuinely smiling a little before he even realized he felt the urge, though once it was there he didn’t bother trying to get it under control. There was no need. “Right, then,” he said slowly, settling himself down on the floor for the moment. “You know, there _is_ a thing called Skype for this sort of thing. You don’t have to call me with a cell phone.”

“Yes, but there’s something special about talking to you on a more traditional telephone. Getting off the computer once in a while is good for you, you know.” Dirk chuckled softly at that.

“So is eating things that aren’t filled with sugar and icing.”

“Hush, you!” He could hear her rolling her eyes as she said this and he pushed a few stray smuppets away to lay down where he was, comfortable with looking up at the ceiling and enjoying the connection with his friend over the telephone. “I can manage myself perfectly fine. Besides, Dad won’t let me eat too many sweets, you know how he is.”

“Yeah,” Dirk breathed, reaching up with his free hand to remove his shades and set them aside on the floor. He didn’t need them. Didn’t need the distraction of whatever might pop up in his field of vision.

There was a soft hum on the other line and then a long moment of silence while Jane seemed to think something out. Dirk took notice of the pock marks in his ceiling from throwing things up there a few years back. 

“You know,” Jane began, quietly and every bit like she was still trying to work that something out in her head, “you seem a little... off today. Is everything okay?”

Dirk blew out a tiny breath. “Things with my bro have been pretty... complicated lately.” Dirk glanced to Lil’ Cal as he said this. This was Jane, he reminded himself. He could trust Jane with anything. Just like Lil’ Cal.

“Oh.” There was a brief pause. “I see. Well, would you maybe like to talk about it?”

Maybe if he tiptoed around the sex parts. “He’s been acting like a child. Temper tantrums and being hella passive aggressive. And then being plain _aggressive_. He’s been initiating strifes with me verbally and physically way more lately.” Dirk sighed. “It’s been getting very frustrating. Especially since Jake has been here this past week.”

“Oh, he’s not still there, is he?”

“No. No, we actually just dropped him off.” Dirk turned a little onto his side, looking at the bottom of his mattress without actually seeing it. “He’s gone. But it’s almost like Bro has been getting even _more_ aggressive, both in the passive way and the regular way, now that he’s gone.”

“Perhaps having Jake over for so long has taken a toll on him?”

“Maybe. It’s probably more than that, though.”

“Dirk. Is there something you’re not telling me?” He could almost hear the way she squinted her eyes at him from behind red frames.

“Some things, yeah,” Dirk admitted, turning back onto his back in some tiny fit of restlessness. “Trust me, I’m doing you a favor. You don’t need to become ensnared in this level of Strider bullshit.”

There was that hum again from Jane. That hum of consideration like she was trying to decide if she really did want to know or not. Like she was trying to figure out if Roxy would know the stuff he wasn’t telling her. 

“Alright, abridged version is, my bro is having some personal issues, and it seems that Jake exacerbated them. Not just by being here, but also by being Jake. Not to bear down on our dear friend, mind you. I think he... reminded him of someone. Or something, I don’t know. The guy’s a goddamned enigma.”

Jane giggled a little. “So I’ve been led to believe!”

“But do you believe me?”

There was a breath’s pause before he heard Jane’s voice come earnest over the phone, “I do.”

“... Thanks, Jane.”

“What are friends for,” she replied, laughing. “So, how unbearable has he been?”

“He’s about to reach an unprecedented threshold. The guy’s been actually sticking around, and I’m beginning to think that it’s simply to antagonize me.”

“Well do you know why,” she tried, and he could see in his mind how her brow would furrow as she tries to sympathize. Tried to reason and tried to come up with some sort of advice that probably wouldn’t even have worked for a Strider like Dave.

Dirk gave a little sigh, free hand coming up to rest over his eyes. “It has a lot to do with that stuff you don’t want to know about, Jane,” he offered, irritated with the entire situation. Frustrated with Dave. “Suffice to say, the dynamic of our relationship has shifted. Down the slippery slope and past the point of no return.”

“Is it really that bad?”

“It’s seriously that bad. I’m not one for drama. It’s that bad.”

Jane clicked her tongue in thought and Dirk imagined her scanning the walls of her bedroom as if the answer she was looking for would appear there on her Problem Sleuth poster. “Okay,” she said finally, “I think it might be a good idea to give him a day or two now that Jake is gone, and try talking to him again.”

“Again?”

“Yeah, well Roxy mentioned something about telling you to try to act a little less like Striders and a little more like civilized human beings, and talk about things that bother you.”

“Oh.” Dirk sat up at this point, hand falling from his face and picking his shades up again. “Well, I guess I could do that. But I’m telling you, Jane, the guy is the single most stubborn man I have ever had the fortune of knowing.”

“You come by it honestly, after all!”

“Yeah,” Dirk breathed, setting his shades back on his face and running his fingers through his hair. “I suppose I do.”

“I’ll tell you that I’m a little disheartened by the fact that you’ll tell Roxy what’s going on with you and your brother, but not me. But that’s your own business, I guess, and I should keep my nose out of it if that’s what you want.”

“If it’s any consolation, I think our conversation on this subject has gone a lot better than the one I had with Roxy, even with minimal details.”

There was that hum again, a little more amused and a little more pleased than it had been earlier. “It’s a small one,” she said softly with something that sounded like a smile. 

“I sometimes forget I’m not the only reasonable person I know.”

There was a soft chuckle from Jane at this point, sympathetic and ringing with the warmth of a good friend. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but it really might help for you to get out a little more, Dirk.”

This had Dirk refraining from rolling his eyes. Getting out more was certainly an option he had, but not an option he was willing to choose. Not when he had so many other things occupying his brain space. He didn’t need to add new people to that list. He had been about to open his mouth to turn the idea down, to tell Jane that really, it was fine, before his bedroom door was being pushed open.

Dave stood in the doorway, shoulders tense and lips pursed ever so slightly in that nervous and irritated way Dirk had been trying not to pick up on the last week and a half. 

“Get off the phone,” Dave said, clearly trying to keep that cool and even tone of voice, but there were nuances there that Dirk couldn’t turn a blind eye to. Differences between what he normally sounded like and how tense and so obviously lost he was.

“Hey, I’ll talk to you later,” Dirk said into the phone, “bye, Jane.” He didn’t give her the time to respond before he hung up and set the thing down on the floor, adding to his mess. Then, to Dave, “what is it.”

“We’re settling this shit right now. Get out here.”


	8. Trying it Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Dirk attempt to make things right between the both of them and it only gets worse from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reggy and I apologize quite profusely for taking so god damn long to write one god damn chapter for a fandom we're not even in anymore. But we have every intention to finish this thing off, even if it takes our whole lives. Reggy would like you lot to know that they're just happy that the chapter is finally out and so am I. One more chapter to go, please hang in there with us, and enjoy this! I promise, this chapter and the next one will be worth the wait.

Dirk rose to his feet slowly, deliberately, in some attempt to antagonize his older brother that little bit more. He stood, nudged the phone under his desk gently with his foot and waited for Dave to turn out of the doorway. Dave, however, only stood with what Dirk knew he hoped to be his best poker face, all emotionless black shades and lined mouth.

“Then let’s settle it,” Dirk said, confident in himself and his abilities against an agitated Dave, but nervous about what would come of them settling their fights all the same. “Talk, Bro. I’m listening.”

Dave turned, finally, and strode into the main room of their apartment. Dirk followed him, watching as Dave tossed Dirk’s mess off of the futon, more for a lack of anything more violent to do than anything else. Dirk watched while he stood there by the piece of furniture, trying and failing to relax his body to seem more indifferent about the result of whatever conversation they might have.

“Okay,” Dave said finally, voice low and dangerous and like he was still considering Dirk. “This bullshit we’ve been doing has to stop right fucking now.”

“I agree.”

Dirk counted as Dave held his breath for two beats. Dave was angry. Furious, even. Dave was angry and scared and Dirk didn’t quite know what to do with himself when Dave sounded like that. When Dave looked like that even with those stupid shades on his face.

“What happened that night was a stupid fucking mistake, got it? I was drunk. You knew that and then you came onto me and you got pissed off when I obviously didn’t _feel_  the same god damn way about some teenage kid or whatever has you so pissed off right now.”

“So you’re blaming me. That’s how you’re dealing with this. Very healthy.” Dirk actually frowned at the other, hardly caring at the moment what emotions showed and what didn’t. This wasn’t the time for Strider poker faces.

“We threw healthy out the fucking window when you decided you wanted to screw me, kid!”

God, Dirk already felt the anger welling up inside him. He could feel it pushing at him and drawing at his eyebrows. Dave had a point there, and Dirk honestly hated it.

“You think I don’t know that. You think I didn’t think about that? And I couldn’t get away from it, either, because this is your goddamn apartment and you are everywhere. You’re in the furniture, and in the cabinets, and in the walls. I can practically fucking smell you in the air!”

“So now you’re blaming me- very healthy.”

Oh. Of course Dave was going to throw that in his face. It was his big Bro he was talking to, after all. His hands began to rise in frustration as he struck out into the air, as if thrashing about for Dave’s lost sense of maturity.

“I am sixteen years old, Bro.”

“Did you count that high all by yourself? Good job.”

“This is no time for you to be petulant.”

“Are you back-talking me, Dirk?”

Dirk actually rolled his eyes at this one, some tiny part of him amused at Dave’s attempt at Strider banter. But damnit, this was supposed to be serious!

“I thought we were supposed to be settling our arguments, Bro, not passing shitty banter across the living room just to laugh the whole thing off and let it continue to get worse.”

“Do I look like I’m having fun.” The thin-stretched poker face was back in full force. “I _am_  being serious, you little shit.”

“It _does_  look like you’re having fun. That’s my problem here. You interrupt my phone call and make me come out here on the promise that we’re going to _talk_  like normal fucking people and then you stand there and talk down at me like I’m ten years old.”

“I never said we were going to talk, I said we were going to settle.”

The whole conversation was becoming exceedingly frustrating and Dirk honestly didn’t know how to deal with Dave when he was being like this. He certainly didn’t want to walk away, but he didn’t want to get in a physical fight with him, either. It was almost like the guy was looking to get punched in the face with how he was acting.

“But if you want to _talk_  like _normal fucking people_ , then be my guest. Keep going. I don’t think you’ve slathered me in enough mud yet.”

Dirk took a deep breath, tired of Dave’s shit and tired of arguing with him like it was some small thing. He was tired of being mad at Dave and tired of being treated like shit by his older brother. Tired of the passive aggressive messages being left everywhere by misplaced puppets and untouched condom boxes.

“Fine.” Dirk exhaled the word more than anything, relaxing his body marginally and staring at Dave. Staring past a wall of orange text that started feeding into his own shades and signalling that his auto responder wanted to talk. “How did you want to _settle_  it then, Bro?”

Dave swallowed. “I was figuring that...” Shifted from foot to foot. A frown chiseled its way across his face. “I mean. I was drunk. I didn’t fucking--” His voice was rising into something that genuinely sounded angry and frustrated and for a moment Dirk was honestly a little worried about where this was going. What Dave would do. Then Dave took a step into Dirk’s personal space, sudden and swift.

There was an abrupt stop in thought when Dave grabbed a violent fistful of Dirk’s shirt and he felt lips on him in a crush of confusion and frustration. Dirk felt the same emotions bloom in his chest and he drew his eyebrows close together, eyes narrowing behind orange text and wondering to himself what the hell had happened. Wondering what the hell Dave was thinking to make him kiss him like that.

Pushing Dave away, Dirk took a step away from the older Strider and glared. It honestly hurt to get that sort of attention from the other. It hurt and Dirk didn’t know what to do about it. “What the hell, Bro?”

“Just lemme figure this out, okay?”

“Just--” Dirk pulled his shades from his own face, tired of the text he wasn’t even paying attention to and tired of looking at the man in front of him through tinted lenses. “No! Bro what the fuck are you _doing_? You can’t just _kiss_  me like that! That’s not how this _works_!”

There was a moment when Dave looked a little surprised. When his eyebrows rose above his shades for that bare instant before going back down again. And he was frowning at him. Scowling, even, at the very notion that Dirk didn’t want to let him just ‘figure this out’.

“But you _wanted_  this! I know you did. You can’t just take that shit back now that I’m willing to give it to you!” Dave shouted, obviously angry. Obviously flustered.

“Yes, but you’re not _getting_  it.” Dirk resisted any small urge to run the back of his hand over his own mouth, part of him wanting to get rid of the taste of Dave’s experiment and part of him liking it there, lingering on his lips and tingling the way it did. Stinging the way it did, all the way to his heart. “I don’t want this to be you ‘figuring this out’, Bro! I want it to be you _wanting_  it! As if you could ever actually want someone anymore, with how you sleep around.”

“Okay, now that was unnecessarily low.”

“I disagree. This is how we’ve been playing it for the past month, Bro, and we both know it.”

This visibly gave Dave some pause. Hands came to rest on his hips and he turned askant, staring at a far wall as if calling for backup, or reassurance. “Fine. You want me to say it? I’ve been an asshole. I can admit that. And yeah, it was uncalled for. I’m sorry. Now can we move past it?”

Dirk hesitated there, hands grasping at nothing at his sides and staring at his brother while a part of him wondered if Dave was actually saying those things. And not only that, but if Dave actually meant it and wasn’t just playing some awful joke on him.

“You’re sorry,” Dirk said, slowly, hesitating with the word a little as if Dave might just snatch it right back up and call it some kind of awful joke. A joke that would trigger more fights and mean jokes and even some passive aggressive bullshit better suited for a Lalonde.

“Yes, I said I’m fucking sorry, didn’t I?” There was that irritation in Dave’s voice again. Those eyebrows knitting together in that slight way they did. That beautiful and awful way that they did.

Dirk let his shoulders sag a little, a bit of regret and a bit of defeat seeping into them. Dave was apologizing to him. His older brother, apparently, felt bad about what they had done. About what he had done.

“You’re sorry,” Dirk said again, tone lower, actual consideration moving into his voice rather than just that same, tired irritation that had made it its home for the past few months. “Fine. If you’re really sorry, Bro, then we can figure this out.” Dirk tried to make eye contact through Dave’s shades. “Together.”

“You’re sure. Not gonna shove me away again?” Dirk nodded. Dave made several half-starts toward him before he managed to actually lean forward and actually do something about their situation for the past few months and kissed Dirk almost in that way Dirk had wanted Dave to do for so long.

Their lips clashed and part of Dirk felt elated that his older brother and the man of his affections for so long was kissing him of his own will. But there was also that part of Dirk that felt dirty and weird and thought to himself that maybe Dave wasn’t even that great of a kisser to begin with. Not that the actual skill of kissing mattered, Dirk reminded himself. He kissed his brother back with desperation, hands moving to his brother’s face and shoulders.

It was almost amazing the way Dave placed his hands over Dirk’s body, a little clumsy at first as he seemed to gain confidence in what he was doing. Almost amazing, aside from the glaringly obvious fact that Dave was still just doing it in some shitty attempt to mend whatever had broken between them. Still, Dirk wasn’t about to let that ruin his fun. Not when he had Dave right there, sober and angry and willing to try whatever it took to make the pointless and unironic fighting stop.

There was no moving to a bedroom, no fumbling away or stopping to relocate. Instead there was Dave pushing Dirk onto the floor a little rougher than Dirk would have liked. There was Dave pulling his shirt own off and watching where it landed by the television and there was Dave hesitating there like he was still unsure that this was what he wanted. That fixing things was really worth giving Dirk what he wanted.

“What?” Dirk tried cautiously, hardly in any mood to offer up the sort of sass that was sure to make Dave decide he didn’t want to have sex, after all.

“Nothing. Just be quiet, okay?” Dave muttered, looking at Dirk again but clearly avoid actual eye contact. Dirk wondered to himself why he wanted his brother, but didn’t actually try to do anything about it. Instead he looked at Dave’s mouth and Dave’s chest, eyes scanning the bare skin there and trying not to think about how off the whole thing was. How happy he was but also how scared he was at the same time.

It was a moment longer before Dave had descended upon him again, all tiny kisses and too tight grasps. Dirk moved his hands to Dave’s back, touching at the skin there and enjoying the way it felt under his own palms and the way it made his blood rush. Enjoying the way Dave’s body pressed down away from the hands and towards Dirk’s own torso. It was distantly that Dirk thought to himself he really ought to remove his shirt despite Dave blocking him from doing so. That he really ought to not stay as quiet as Dave would have liked.

Instead of saying anything about his displeasure over these two things, he moved one hand down towards Dave’s butt, squeezing it there and almost chuckling a little to himself when Dave jerked back again. Almost.

“Jesus, would you just- you’re making this very hard for me, you know,” Dave said, frown there on his face now like he had abandoned all attempts at being cool about much of anything. Not while they were getting close like that.

“Yes, well I’d have to say you’re being a dick about this.”

“Can’t you just, I don’t know, not? I’m trying, okay?”

“Okay,” Dirk said simply, the hand that had been on Dave’s butt now moving up to the back of the other man’s neck, pulling him down for a kiss that he still felt was far to rough and far too hurried.

And that seemed to be a thing that Dave could get into, the way he pressed into that kissed and made this noise in the back of his throat that could have been parts annoyance and parts interest. Parts humming because Dave was sick enough to enjoy kissing the little brother he had been “taking care of” all these years. Dirk pressed closer, rather wishing that Dave would just let them get on with it if he was going to be like that, all rough and unconcerned.

It seemed almost like both a gifted eternity and a hellish wait before Dave pulled away again, his cheeks pink and flushed, eyes so much harder than Dirk would have hoped. Dave looked down at Dirk with the kind of expression that had been reserved for when Dirk had really fucked up. The kind of look that usually proceeded a couple of childish weeks of zero conversation, verbal or otherwise.

“Oh,” Dirk said softly, a hesitant noise that left him as he watched Dave’s resolve falling apart. He licked his lips of the taste of his older brother, both enjoying it and very nearly wishing he had never tried this at all. Dave’s expression and its implications really started to sink into Dirk as Dave straightened, eyes darting to the side in something that was shaded with shame. “What… what the hell, Bro? I thought you were cool with this.” The words didn’t come out nearly as forcefully as he would have liked, the dread of the ensuing argument keeping things softer.

“Yeah, well! Well, that was before I really realized how fucked up this really is, Dirk! How fucked up you are!” Slowly, Dave rose from Dirk’s body, moving away from him entirely. “I mean… I fucking… raised you, kid. And you’re..! You’re lying there like you love it so much you wouldn’t mind clinging to my leg if I told you to!” Dirk watched as Dave ran a hand through his hair, messing up any semblance of style left in it and turning towards his discarded sunglasses. “This is fucking sick, dude. I can’t… no.”

Slowly, Dirk swallowed, listening as his brother talked. Listened, and hated the way there was no real anger that rose from his stomach. How there was only dread that seeped into his skin and made him look down at his little half pitched tent in his jeans.

“Maybe you should have thought of all of this before you fucked me before, Bro,” Dirk said quietly, rather wishing there was more fire to it. That he had the heart to fight on this more without the sludge of his fear of losing Dave weighing down on his voice and conviction.

There was a second pause where Dirk imagined Dave’s jaw tightening and stance shifting. When he did finally look up at his brother, Dave was merely looking at him, shades firmly in place. He scoffed, shaking his head slightly.

“Maybe I should have. Or maybe you shouldn’t have come on to me while I was out of my mind, huh? Maybe you should have fucking paid attention, Dirk!” Dave turned, visibly trying to relax the muscles in his face and his shoulders.

“Listen,” Dave was saying again, “this isn’t going to work. I’m not… I’m not doing this for you.” There was another long, pregnant pause as Dave let that sink in before he spoke up again. “Maybe you should go stay with a friend for a while, huh? Get in their pants. What about that chick you keep calling on the phone, huh? I can… arrange a bus ticket to wherever the fuck she lives. God knows you don’t make any friends here.” The last part was muttered, but Dirk had heard it.

“You’re sending me away?” Dirk tried, standing on his own feet, then and rather glad that there was no more tenting going on in either of their pants. “Over _this_? Bro, I can-”

 

“Shut the hell up!” Dave was shouting again, the words loud and easily cutting off what Dirk had been about to say, had been about to try to bargain with. “I don’t want to hear it, you got that? I just want you out of my apartment by tomorrow. I don’t… I can’t fucking deal with you right now.” Dave wasn’t looking at Dirk, and Dirk was starting to suspect that he had no intention to look at Dirk again for a long time.

Clearly, there was no reasoning with his brother at that point. There was no talking him down and there wasn’t a damn thing Dave was going to do that he didn’t want to. And it was clear that Dave didn’t want anything to do with Dirk right then. “Fine,” he muttered, reaching suddenly clumsy hands for his own shades before he’d allow to retreat back to his bedroom.

Dirk said nothing else to Dave before he closed the door to his room, or picked up his phone from where it lay abandoned on the floor. Sitting on his bed, he looked to Cal, phone in his hands as he did his damn best not to let things affect him just yet. No, if he was going to let Dave get to him, he was going to do it where there was zero chance of Dave finding out about it.

But he thought about it. Thought about those eyes and the too harsh kisses, the hands that had been planted on the floor beside Dirk and his own that had touched his brother’s butt. He thought about the fact that Dave had at least been willing to try to humor Dirk. How obvious it was that the whole thing was a bad idea.

He thought about the way Jake had been when he was visiting. About the way those green eyes regarded him with that sort of affection and love that Dirk had somehow fooled himself into thinking that he could get from Dave as well. He thought about what an asshole he was for looking into those eyes and sleeping with his best friend when he knew damn well Jake wasn’t who he wanted. Not even close.

It was as he thought this that his shades began to fill up with his own orange text and words that didn’t come from him directly. Dirk closed his eyes to them. He’d had enough of Strider mannerisms for quite a while, he thought. Behind the closed door, he took his shades back off, laid them on a messy fold of blankets. Instead, he tapped his phone to life and almost automatically started scrolling through his contacts, looking at the names he had there for filler and the few names he actually cared about before landing on Jane.

Dirk hesitated there for a moment, staring at the name of one of his best friends and the picture she had sent him to associate with that name. That chick he kept calling on the phone, according to Dave. And maybe he was right, maybe staying with Jane would do him some good. God knows he had made quite a bed for himself here. Striders seemed to harbor a lot of sharp things, like swords and sarcasm, and it made for a really caustic house. He’d lain in it for all his life, and all it got him was lips he’d almost like to forget and a bus ticket to Far Away.

Dave’s parting glance was burned into his memory. There was no softness there. Not from the brother who’d taught him to parry, not from the man who dispatched wit at the first sign of sincerity, who touched him with hot hands and cold eyes. No; anytime Striders came together, it was a spar. Dirk knew not to expect any different, now.

The screen had dimmed considerably by the time Dirk had made the decision to call his very best friend. Almost with some form of hesitance, he put the phone to his ear as it rang. Once. Twice. Three times. It was to the point where Dirk was starting to think that maybe Jane wouldn’t pick up and she had found something better to do with her time than talk down a guy that was getting kicked out of his home.

“Sorry,” Jane had said suddenly into Dirk’s ear, voice soft and breathy like she had left her phone somewhere and ran to retrieve it when it started ringing. “Hey. Is everything okay?”

A breath’s pause. “Yeah, I just…” He paused, looking towards the window with it’s drawn blinds. “Jane, I… no. I guess everything isn’t okay.” He shifted on the bed, taking the time to wonder to himself if he wanted to continue talking or if he wanted to wait for Jane to respond to that. To let that sink in.

“Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that! What happened, if you don’t mind? Did you and your brother have another fight just now?”

Dirk listened to the sound of blankets being moved around and he imagined the way she might sit on her bed and try to get comfortable for what very might well be a long phone conversation. Out beyond his bedroom door, he heard Dave leaving the apartment again.

“Yeah… yeah we did.” He hesitated again, eyes drifting to Lil’ Cal’s big blue eyes. “Do you remember that thing that’s been sort of on my mind for a while now?” Jane hummed in affirmation. “Well… it’s a thing that really ought to be said in person. And I think I’m ready to, now.”

“In person?” Jane tried, sounding curious and intrigued and every bit like the worried sort of friend that she was.

“Yes. In person. Do you think it would be okay if I used your couch for a while?”


End file.
